My Identity and You

I decided to take the contour drawing done of me and hand it off to my family members. I thought about why I was here and I thought of two potential reasons. One, I am here because of my parents. They made me. So each of them gets a copy. And my purpose in life is to raise a family. I first came to that conclusions after my siblings were born and I realized that having a happy family of my own was my life goal. So both of my siblings got a copy.
As for who I am, I asked them to take the copy made in class and add to it so that it looked (in their opinion) more like me.
The original:

My Dad's version:

My Mom's version:

My Sister's version:

My Brother's version:

My version:

I thought it was funny how Lincoln and I were the ones that really used the original's parameters the most. It shows me that when I am told that someone sees me a certain way, in my mind that makes it true. It may not exactly be what I think of myself, but I still incorporate those opinions into the way I see myself. Now, though, I try to do so in a positive way.
My family, however, said, "No... That's not right." They drew right over anything they didn't think was correct. My family have strong opinions about who I am that will not be swayed.
Also, my little brother made me look a bit like a ventriloquist dummy, but he let me know the lines on my cheeks are supposed to be blush because I have rosy cheeks. Although I can't really tell, Lincoln let me know I was smiling in his picture. Sophie also has me smiling. I find it interesting that my siblings see me is a smiley, happy person since that's not really how most people think of me. Certainly a lot of people think I'm funny, but not really joyful. But it makes me happy to know my siblings view me that way because I love them very much and have a great time with them.

11/3/14 Take Away

It's funny that depression plays such a heavy role in the movie about the father's identity and the identity of those around him.
It's funny in a really not funny and incredibly relatable way. I do believe a lot of people have valleys where they feel depressed for a long time, even when they are not normally depressed people. I don't think depression is limited only to those with a chronic issue.
I remember when I was feeling depressed. It was a few years ago, but it really defined me as a person. It was right after high school and I'd lost all my friends. I barely had any friends that last semester of high school to begin with, but the few people I had left abandoned me after that. I slept all day, except to eat and go to work/school. That summer was awful, but even in my first semester of college, I didn't feel like I was doing much with my life. I think that's what makes a lot of people feel depressed. The lack of progress. I remember walking down the hallways of my grandma's apartment building (where I lived at the time) and seeing notes on people's doors. I wondered if any of those people died, how long it would be until someone noticed. I wondered, if I died, how long it would be until someone noticed. I wondered if I was already dead.
Eventually I picked up a second job. So then it was November and I was preparing for finals, working a 35/hr a week job, and an 18/hr a week job, during the holidays. I was so busy. I remember just doing homework, sleeping, eating, and working. I didn't have a single moment for myself. I ate at Jack in the Box a lot. I ate chicken flavor Cup Noodles at 2am on my night shift job. It was like this warm styrofoam cup of happiness in the midst of a cold, black, retail-y abyss. A little after Black Friday, after having two towers of boxes full of toys fall on me and having had a wooden easel dropped on the back of my head, I quit Toys R Us. I aced my finals. And I kept my job as a sample lady.
After all of that, I looked back and thought to myself, "I did it. I made it through that all on my own." I don't worry about other people so much anymore. I won't say I never worry about whether or not I'm going to stay friends with someone or what they think of me. But it's absolutely not a point of motivation for me. I create my own happiness, other people are welcome to share if they want.
Since then, I've gained a lot of confidence and done a lot of things for myself. I have the mentality now that if I want to feel like I'm doing something with my life, I have to get up and do something! Life isn't programmed. We aren't meant to follow specific rules, especially rules on how to live. I make the rules for my own life. Nothing is out of my reach if I have the drive to do it.
Which brings me to my next point.
My very best friend in the whole world. Sean.
He's been driving me crazy lately. Not that he doesn't always drive me crazy, but more so than usual.
The only thing stopping me from going totally ballistic on him is the thought that he is very possibly struggling with depression.
I do not condone his actions and I think no matter what, he's going about this the wrong way. But I can either choose to stand by my best friend of 7 years and put up with whatever bullshit he throws at me, just as he puts up with my bullshit (though, in my opinion, not nearly as much or as severe); or I can choose to walk away from someone I truly love, who could really need my help but not know how to say it.
Not long ago, he lost his close group of friends after breaking up with his girlfriend. I'm not a part of any of that and won't make a comment on whether or not he deserved it. But since then, he's been really hung up on it. He talks frequently about how he's not doing anything with his life.
Now he's shutting me out. It feels terrible, but I wonder if maybe I should just let him have his space. As much as I hate that he's treating me this way, when all I want to do is help. When he's my only friend around here, and he's putting me through exactly what he's going through without a second thought. As much as I hate that, because I hate that so much. Sean and I have been through a lot together. There's often a blurred line between us which makes it difficult when making decisions regarding the future of our friendship (or what I perceive it to be). But first and foremost he will always be my best friend. I imagine this will be nearly as formative for me as it is for him.
What really gets me is that he says he wants progress so badly and says he's lonely. But when I make suggestions about things he could change to make progress in his life, he poo poos them. Then he shuts me out, which is just the absolute worst.
I'm just holding out hope that sooner rather than later, he will see the same light I saw and cling to that comforting Cup Noodle long enough to make it through this and know that he has it in him to do anything he wants to do, if he just tries. I know it's a cliche, but it's a cliche for a good reason.
And I hope I have what it takes to stay by him during this time. I know it's selfish, but sometimes I wish he'd just cut it out.

Who Am I, Why Am I Here?

I am a girl. I am also a boy. And I am a man. I think of myself as simultaneously the most feminine woman and the manliest man to ever exist. When people talk about gender fluidity, I get it. I identify as female and I don't sway on that point in the least. However, I greatly value my masculinity. And I love that my best friend, Sean, does as well.
It bothers the guys at work so much when I call myself a man. Sometimes I'll stock one aisle before two guys get done stocking another and I'll flex and yell, "I AM THE MANLIEST MAN IN THE WORLD." (We work overnight, when the store is closed.) And Jon or Patrick will say, "You're not a man! You're a girl! You're so not a man at all!" And I'll say, "I'm more of a man than you." Because of this, Patrick likes to poke fun at me and say that I "must wear the pants in the relationship."
That's another strong point of identity, though. Being dominant or submissive. Now I feel like... there is no doubt that I have a very strong will. I can be intimidating. I can be difficult to work with. I'm high maintenance for sure. But I think of relationships as a partnership. I don't assume a dominant or submissive role in a relationship. And I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who felt like they could overrule my opinions or someone who felt like I should run the relationship myself.
I think of myself, first and foremost, as a future mother. I make all of my decisions based on the hope that I will one day raise a family. It's all I really want in life. Yes, I have personal aspirations. I want to be a concept artist. I want a big house with lots of room for me to do my art. I want a husband who loves me. But no matter what job I have or where I live or what kind of house I have or what kind of car I drive, I will always have my family.
Lately I've been trying to come up with a tattoo idea that represents me. And I'm currently playing with the idea of phoenix wings. Because I think of myself as someone who is strong, someone who perseveres, and someone who is loyal (see Fawks from Harry Potter). What is a better symbol of strength and perseverance than the phoenix?

 I'll let update you as the tattoo idea evolves.

This post may be a little all over the place

I had a really difficult time with this one. Mostly because I was in a pretty terrible place for the last couple of weeks and had a difficult time getting any enjoyment out of anything I loved doing.
But things got a little better and yesterday, I took some time for myself. I won't go into detail (mostly out of laziness). But mom said to include the pretzels. There were pretzels. Jalapeno pretzels and they were 500 calories and they were delicious.

I feel better when I get things done. That relaxes me. And I spent three hours getting something done that needed to be done.

5 Obstacles Stopping Me From Doing What I Want With My Altered Book:
1.) Trust. I don't feel like I can trust the people around me that I hold closest and that makes it difficult for me to explore my creative ideas, because I'm scared to share them.
2.) Talent. I worry I might not be good enough. I'm scared to put something down on paper because it's not as good as someone else's.
3.) Disorganized. I spend a lot of time I'd like to be devoting to creativity, worrying about other things. I need to sort out my thoughts so that I can access my creative side without having to trudge through all my family/relationship/work/whatever issues first.
4.) Inspiration. I often feel I lack inspiration which worries me because I feel like I draw a lot of inspiration from other things and I'd like to draw inspiration from myself.
5.) Limits. I limit myself a lot, even if I try not to. I don't write much anymore, I don't draw much anymore. I need to spend more time just being creative any way I can, and stop sitting around staring at the ceiling. Because thinking it is not the same as doing it.

1.) Trust
- What if I entrust something important to me to one of my friends I feel I have trouble trusting?
- What if I give it to that friend permanently?
- What if I do this with several friends?
2.) Talent
- What if I draw a picture every day until the end of the semester?
- What if I take the ones I like the least and redo them when the semester ends?
- What if I take the ones I like the before and afters and put them on my walls?
3.) Disorganized
- What if I get boxes and write how I feel about certain subjects and sort them into boxes?
- What if I used once piece from each box to inspire a creative project?
- What if, in the project, I had to physically use the original piece of writing?
4.) Inspiration
- What if I try drawing with my eyes closed?
- What if I do a series of self portraits with my eyes closed?
- What if I record myself singing and draw the sounds with my eyes closed?
5.) Limits
- What if I spend a week, not allowed to draw out my art and I have to use other ways to be creative?
- What if I had to use an etch-a-sketch for all my visual art?
- What if I recorded the sounds an etch-a-sketch makes and made music with it?

I definitely love the ideas from number 4.

Savory Chicharron

I had a Chicharron for the first time today. I was unaware of what it actually was until afterwards. It's a sort of pork rind. It was light and airy. It tasted somewhat like an onion ring... without the onion. Like a funyun done right. A funyun that doesn't totally tear up the inside of your mouth. It wasn't very crunchy. It was sort of cracker-like.

I felt the best way to describe it would be to say it is savory.

I thought about maybe making a food that smells savory, but that seems too literal. I couldn't think of any way to make something feel savory. And even if I could find something that felt savory (because I thought maybe velvet was sort of savory feeling), I wouldn't have much hand in making it. So I decided to make something that sounds savory.

I've never made music before, so it was a little scary and odd.

I wanted it to have deep tones but still be light. And it ends abruptly. Partially because I didn't know how to end the song, and partially because my food, just like the song, ended abruptly.

Proof I made the music myself.

MORE PROJECTS

I decided to take the word "more" and try out more things I've been meaning to and need to try out and get out of the way.
First things first I made a dress from bed sheets and hopefully it looks Greek enough for my shoes. Although I probably won't actually wear the dress to class and I will most likely go out and find something more "wearable" to wear with my shoes - I made a dress anyway. Because I could.

Afterwhich I decided to make some "poison" caramel apples. The first try didn't work out too well because I made the caramel myself and it got all hard and stuff. I decided that maybe I don't have that kind of time and energy so I went out and got some caramels from the store and coloured them with black food colouring. I don't have a picture of them but I can say that it was definitely an apple covered in black caramel. Basically it should have looked like this. I'll make them again and make sure to take a picture.

I am making a bento box for Sean for Thanksgiving this year because he always works on Thanksgiving and because he loves Asian food (and also for a good reason to use my bento box I bought a couple months ago). I made a diagram of what I will be putting in his bento box, as well as a list of all the ingredients I will need to purchase.

The bento consists of shrimp fried rice, a california roll, two salmon onigiri, and one or two (I haven't decided yet) shoyu eggs, the kind they put in authentic ramen. I am currently in the process of making sticky rice for the first time so I'll have to let you know how that goes in class. If I can't for whatever reason figure out how to make sticky rice, I can always get the microwavable stuff but I wanted it to be made from the heart. I have no idea where to find little shrimps for shrimp fried rice. If anyone has some advice, that'd be great. I know how to make sushi, I just don't want to go half way across the state to get some really good fresh fish, immediately make sushi with it in the car or something, and rush it over to sean's house before he leaves for work. I'm not sure what kind of dried seaweed I'll be using yet. The last kind I had I really didn't like so I'm gonna go buy up a few kinds and try them out. I did however make authentic ramen and some shoyu eggs to go in it the other day. What the shoyu eggs were supposed to look like.

What my shoyu eggs actually looked like.

They weren't very pretty but they WERE very TASTY. And the ramen turned out just like the authentic ramen Sean and I always get at Mitsuwa (an Asian grocery in Chicago).

Aside from my Asian cuisine endeavors, I started on some Slenderman shoes for my friend's birthday this week. Every new pair of shoes I make is an adventure for me. I haven't ever made two pairs of shoes that are alike and I rarely use pencil when I make shoes. I almost always start with pen, as I did with this pair. Not sure if I want to make the second shoe the same as the first for symmetry or not.

  And lastly I started on my Halloween costume. My sister (8 years old) and I are being Anna and Elsa from Frozen. I'm not a huge Frozen fan, but she is. And I thought it would be a lot of fun. Since I have red hair and she has blonde hair, I'm going to be Anna and she's going to be Elsa. What I have so far is just the raw ingredients.

I'm going to alter the shirt so that it... fits me. I'm going to cut the vest at an angle. And I'm basically going to paint the designs onto the vest and skirt. It's definitely not cosplay level costuming, but I never planned to take it to a convention anyway.
So in the past week I have tried out 6 things outside my comfort zone and I hope to take this momentum and run with it.

Class Take Away 9/29/14

I'm really tired and can't be bothered to think of a better title.
Last class was a lot of fun. It was really inspiring. But in a super vague way.
I know that as of this moment, based on last class, I want to go make myself a Gorgo dress.

I also want to do something with disco. Because I love disco. I love it so much. I have these wonderful platform heels. I have some high waisted jeans. Hell, I have a cool romper. But it's pinstripe. Pinstripe probably doesn't go with cow spots. I have a regular black romper, too. Hmm, decisions.
I'm super artsy right now. I have so many things I want to do.
I want to make Sean two shirts. One that says "Fuck it, Let's drink" with a random anchor on it. And another that says "POLITE AS FUCK." Neither of which will he ever be able to wear out in public.
I'm making him a bento box for thanksgiving and I have a ton of recipes I need to try out before then so I can work out the kinks. I need to get some pasta sheets and color them... I want to make something like this.

There will be onigiri, ramen eggs, shrimp fried rice, and sushi. I have to buy a few different seaweeds and try them out. They have different tastes, you know. It's all a lot of work.
My friend's birthday is coming up and I'm gonna make him some shoes. But I'm not sure what I'll put on them. I was thinking maybe Slenderman. I draw a mean Slenderman.
Right now it's feeling like the theme of my "MORE" project would be best catered to me making MORE AND MORE PROJECTS.
I went home and talked to mom and dad about how the broken rules projects went. It was at this point in time they came up with a MILLION broken rules ideas. I was like, "Where was this YESTERDAY when I needed it?"
So I'm feeling very artsy and ready to make things. I want to go to the store and get a bunch of ingredients and try out a bunch of recipes. I want to get blank shirts and make shirts. I want to get bedsheets and faux leather and make a dress. I want to draw on shoes. I want to get more shoes and draw on more shoes just for the hell of it.
But I'm hella tired.
Also, it's my brother's birthday. So I really should be going to Chuck E. Cheese's soon. And I have SO MUCH to do for Sequential Narrative. Not because it's required but because I want to do it right.
I want to sit down and make a nice outline of my comic. A comic, I think you'd love by the way.
Quick summary as told by my friend: "A fresh new look into social norms and exciting adventures among rival bands, scurrying hedgehogs, and the romantic comedy of neurosis."
Not to mention I left school yesterday singing opera. Like, so much opera. I had almost forgotten how much I loved Beehtoven's Mount of Olives Hallelujah.

Anyway, I guess I'm rambling a lot in this one. The main thing I took away from class is a lot of random inspiration. A very vague sense of inspiration, that appears to have leaked into every one of my creative facets. How odd.
I'd better get to work on that while I still have the motivation.