Relinquishing Control

My fear is: Relinquishing Control

Is the fear you identified for this project a fear, phobia, anxiety, or worry? Anxiety

In what ways do you notice fear in your life? Headaches, increased heart rate, frequent nervousness and worrying, distant relationships, decreased social activity, nausea

What does fear keep you from experiencing? I don't go to parties. I don't allow people to get close to me. I have difficulty relaxing.

What is the use of fear in your life? My fear of relinquishing control does help me in some ways. I am a self-starter. I live by the idea that if you want something done right, you do it yourself. I am independent. I plan and make responsible decisions.

How does fear affect your life, especially in terms of creativity? I feel like my fear helps me in terms of creative expression. Because of my inability to relax in conventional ways, I blow off steam by making art. Although I tend to be a bit of perfectionist about my work, I think the intense way that I go about creating my artwork is similar to screaming into a pillow or punching a punching bag. Afterwards, I feel much better and I have a work of art I can be proud of.

What form does your fear take? I am a control freak. I don't like to take down my walls and let people in. I don't like to show emotions I perceive as weakness (sadness or lovestruck). I don't like to move forward without a plan. I especially dislike it when plans come unhinged. I do everything I can to feel like I have control over my life. I like to get good grades, do well and work hard at my job, create finished art pieces, get christmas/birthday shopping done early, have a clean car/room (which I rarely do but I like to do), make my own food, etc.

How does making a creative project about your fear impact how you view it? I'd always known that I was a perfectionist about my artwork and that I used it as a way to blow off steam, but it hadn't occurred to me until I was making my project that I used my art as a way to give myself a feeling of control over my life.

 My project is an aluminum foil "cast" of my hand as a fist clenched around a scrapped piece of art. This is a depiction of my fear of relinquishing control. It illustrates how I use art to make myself feel like I have a grip on my life. Throwing away a scrapped piece of art is another way in which I have been taking control (lately) as it is a reflection of the way that I am currently weeding out my life of people that don't deserve to be a part of it.

11/18/14 Class Take Away

I'm trying to think of other fears that I'm more comfortable making a tangible representation of.

I'm heavily contemplating the fear of relinquishing control. I'm a control freak. I don't relax. Relaxing is not relaxing for me. In fact, sometimes very stressful things are therapeutic for me. But sometimes I think just learning to relax would be a good thing.

Learning to just... sunbathe. Or just sleep.

But any time I'm supposed to be relaxing, all I can think about are the things I'm supposed to be doing that I'm not.

I wonder why I'm so scared to just chill out.

But there are definitely some interesting things I could make with the idea.

Clenched fists.

Ripped out hair.

Crumpled up pieces of paper.

It's still a fear that really takes hold of my life, and it's a lot more approachable than my fear of losing a child.

11/11/14 Take Away

Can't say I'm looking forward to the fear assignment. Not that I guess I should be.
I don't really have difficulties talking about my fears. And very frankly, I know already what my worst fear is.
I'm absolutely terrified of losing a child.
But what really worries me is having to tangibly build something that represents that fear. I don't look forward to that at all.
My friend said to build a model of the baby from P.T. I'll spare you an image.
I have very strong mixed feelings about the baby from P.T. It's this deformed fetus in the sink that cries and cries.
I can't stand to look at it, it's so bothering. But when I hear it cry, I feel terrible. I want to save it, you know. But you can't do that. You can't save undead fetuses from video games.
Oddly enough, I'm known to do similar things in my dreams. In my dreams, I frequently save babies. Often when I'm terrified, myself. I once saved a mummy-baby in a dream while I was being chased by evil mummies. I didn't really hesitate, I just took the baby and ran. In another I saved a ghost toddler. What's even weirder about that was that it was a lucid dream. In the dream things were starting to get creepy. I was trying to get out of the room I was in as fast as I could and when I went to shut the door behind me, something was pushing back. I opened the door and a little ghost toddler came walking out. I picked her up. I was ready to take the ghost toddler and go. But then I said, "If I'm so scared, I should just wake up." So I did.
Some of my happiest dreams have been pregnancy dreams. Until I start to catch on to the fact that I'm not pregnant. Lately I end up thinking, "How did I get pregnant in the first place?" And then I realize I'm dreaming.
In real life I tend to stray away from taking care of other people's kids because I'm scared of getting too attached or doing something wrong. But I'd do anything for my siblings.
I know I'm baby-centric. And I think when I have my own children, that will work to my advantage. Unfortunately, until then, I'm caught between longing to have a baby of my own and being terrified beyond all reason to try. I don't know what I'd do if I lost a child.
I'd probably die. I'd want to.

My Identity and You

I decided to take the contour drawing done of me and hand it off to my family members. I thought about why I was here and I thought of two potential reasons. One, I am here because of my parents. They made me. So each of them gets a copy. And my purpose in life is to raise a family. I first came to that conclusions after my siblings were born and I realized that having a happy family of my own was my life goal. So both of my siblings got a copy.
As for who I am, I asked them to take the copy made in class and add to it so that it looked (in their opinion) more like me.
The original:

My Dad's version:

My Mom's version:

My Sister's version:

My Brother's version:

My version:

I thought it was funny how Lincoln and I were the ones that really used the original's parameters the most. It shows me that when I am told that someone sees me a certain way, in my mind that makes it true. It may not exactly be what I think of myself, but I still incorporate those opinions into the way I see myself. Now, though, I try to do so in a positive way.
My family, however, said, "No... That's not right." They drew right over anything they didn't think was correct. My family have strong opinions about who I am that will not be swayed.
Also, my little brother made me look a bit like a ventriloquist dummy, but he let me know the lines on my cheeks are supposed to be blush because I have rosy cheeks. Although I can't really tell, Lincoln let me know I was smiling in his picture. Sophie also has me smiling. I find it interesting that my siblings see me is a smiley, happy person since that's not really how most people think of me. Certainly a lot of people think I'm funny, but not really joyful. But it makes me happy to know my siblings view me that way because I love them very much and have a great time with them.

11/3/14 Take Away

It's funny that depression plays such a heavy role in the movie about the father's identity and the identity of those around him.
It's funny in a really not funny and incredibly relatable way. I do believe a lot of people have valleys where they feel depressed for a long time, even when they are not normally depressed people. I don't think depression is limited only to those with a chronic issue.
I remember when I was feeling depressed. It was a few years ago, but it really defined me as a person. It was right after high school and I'd lost all my friends. I barely had any friends that last semester of high school to begin with, but the few people I had left abandoned me after that. I slept all day, except to eat and go to work/school. That summer was awful, but even in my first semester of college, I didn't feel like I was doing much with my life. I think that's what makes a lot of people feel depressed. The lack of progress. I remember walking down the hallways of my grandma's apartment building (where I lived at the time) and seeing notes on people's doors. I wondered if any of those people died, how long it would be until someone noticed. I wondered, if I died, how long it would be until someone noticed. I wondered if I was already dead.
Eventually I picked up a second job. So then it was November and I was preparing for finals, working a 35/hr a week job, and an 18/hr a week job, during the holidays. I was so busy. I remember just doing homework, sleeping, eating, and working. I didn't have a single moment for myself. I ate at Jack in the Box a lot. I ate chicken flavor Cup Noodles at 2am on my night shift job. It was like this warm styrofoam cup of happiness in the midst of a cold, black, retail-y abyss. A little after Black Friday, after having two towers of boxes full of toys fall on me and having had a wooden easel dropped on the back of my head, I quit Toys R Us. I aced my finals. And I kept my job as a sample lady.
After all of that, I looked back and thought to myself, "I did it. I made it through that all on my own." I don't worry about other people so much anymore. I won't say I never worry about whether or not I'm going to stay friends with someone or what they think of me. But it's absolutely not a point of motivation for me. I create my own happiness, other people are welcome to share if they want.
Since then, I've gained a lot of confidence and done a lot of things for myself. I have the mentality now that if I want to feel like I'm doing something with my life, I have to get up and do something! Life isn't programmed. We aren't meant to follow specific rules, especially rules on how to live. I make the rules for my own life. Nothing is out of my reach if I have the drive to do it.
Which brings me to my next point.
My very best friend in the whole world. Sean.
He's been driving me crazy lately. Not that he doesn't always drive me crazy, but more so than usual.
The only thing stopping me from going totally ballistic on him is the thought that he is very possibly struggling with depression.
I do not condone his actions and I think no matter what, he's going about this the wrong way. But I can either choose to stand by my best friend of 7 years and put up with whatever bullshit he throws at me, just as he puts up with my bullshit (though, in my opinion, not nearly as much or as severe); or I can choose to walk away from someone I truly love, who could really need my help but not know how to say it.
Not long ago, he lost his close group of friends after breaking up with his girlfriend. I'm not a part of any of that and won't make a comment on whether or not he deserved it. But since then, he's been really hung up on it. He talks frequently about how he's not doing anything with his life.
Now he's shutting me out. It feels terrible, but I wonder if maybe I should just let him have his space. As much as I hate that he's treating me this way, when all I want to do is help. When he's my only friend around here, and he's putting me through exactly what he's going through without a second thought. As much as I hate that, because I hate that so much. Sean and I have been through a lot together. There's often a blurred line between us which makes it difficult when making decisions regarding the future of our friendship (or what I perceive it to be). But first and foremost he will always be my best friend. I imagine this will be nearly as formative for me as it is for him.
What really gets me is that he says he wants progress so badly and says he's lonely. But when I make suggestions about things he could change to make progress in his life, he poo poos them. Then he shuts me out, which is just the absolute worst.
I'm just holding out hope that sooner rather than later, he will see the same light I saw and cling to that comforting Cup Noodle long enough to make it through this and know that he has it in him to do anything he wants to do, if he just tries. I know it's a cliche, but it's a cliche for a good reason.
And I hope I have what it takes to stay by him during this time. I know it's selfish, but sometimes I wish he'd just cut it out.

Who Am I, Why Am I Here?

I am a girl. I am also a boy. And I am a man. I think of myself as simultaneously the most feminine woman and the manliest man to ever exist. When people talk about gender fluidity, I get it. I identify as female and I don't sway on that point in the least. However, I greatly value my masculinity. And I love that my best friend, Sean, does as well.
It bothers the guys at work so much when I call myself a man. Sometimes I'll stock one aisle before two guys get done stocking another and I'll flex and yell, "I AM THE MANLIEST MAN IN THE WORLD." (We work overnight, when the store is closed.) And Jon or Patrick will say, "You're not a man! You're a girl! You're so not a man at all!" And I'll say, "I'm more of a man than you." Because of this, Patrick likes to poke fun at me and say that I "must wear the pants in the relationship."
That's another strong point of identity, though. Being dominant or submissive. Now I feel like... there is no doubt that I have a very strong will. I can be intimidating. I can be difficult to work with. I'm high maintenance for sure. But I think of relationships as a partnership. I don't assume a dominant or submissive role in a relationship. And I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who felt like they could overrule my opinions or someone who felt like I should run the relationship myself.
I think of myself, first and foremost, as a future mother. I make all of my decisions based on the hope that I will one day raise a family. It's all I really want in life. Yes, I have personal aspirations. I want to be a concept artist. I want a big house with lots of room for me to do my art. I want a husband who loves me. But no matter what job I have or where I live or what kind of house I have or what kind of car I drive, I will always have my family.
Lately I've been trying to come up with a tattoo idea that represents me. And I'm currently playing with the idea of phoenix wings. Because I think of myself as someone who is strong, someone who perseveres, and someone who is loyal (see Fawks from Harry Potter). What is a better symbol of strength and perseverance than the phoenix?

 I'll let update you as the tattoo idea evolves.

This post may be a little all over the place

I had a really difficult time with this one. Mostly because I was in a pretty terrible place for the last couple of weeks and had a difficult time getting any enjoyment out of anything I loved doing.
But things got a little better and yesterday, I took some time for myself. I won't go into detail (mostly out of laziness). But mom said to include the pretzels. There were pretzels. Jalapeno pretzels and they were 500 calories and they were delicious.

I feel better when I get things done. That relaxes me. And I spent three hours getting something done that needed to be done.

5 Obstacles Stopping Me From Doing What I Want With My Altered Book:
1.) Trust. I don't feel like I can trust the people around me that I hold closest and that makes it difficult for me to explore my creative ideas, because I'm scared to share them.
2.) Talent. I worry I might not be good enough. I'm scared to put something down on paper because it's not as good as someone else's.
3.) Disorganized. I spend a lot of time I'd like to be devoting to creativity, worrying about other things. I need to sort out my thoughts so that I can access my creative side without having to trudge through all my family/relationship/work/whatever issues first.
4.) Inspiration. I often feel I lack inspiration which worries me because I feel like I draw a lot of inspiration from other things and I'd like to draw inspiration from myself.
5.) Limits. I limit myself a lot, even if I try not to. I don't write much anymore, I don't draw much anymore. I need to spend more time just being creative any way I can, and stop sitting around staring at the ceiling. Because thinking it is not the same as doing it.

1.) Trust
- What if I entrust something important to me to one of my friends I feel I have trouble trusting?
- What if I give it to that friend permanently?
- What if I do this with several friends?
2.) Talent
- What if I draw a picture every day until the end of the semester?
- What if I take the ones I like the least and redo them when the semester ends?
- What if I take the ones I like the before and afters and put them on my walls?
3.) Disorganized
- What if I get boxes and write how I feel about certain subjects and sort them into boxes?
- What if I used once piece from each box to inspire a creative project?
- What if, in the project, I had to physically use the original piece of writing?
4.) Inspiration
- What if I try drawing with my eyes closed?
- What if I do a series of self portraits with my eyes closed?
- What if I record myself singing and draw the sounds with my eyes closed?
5.) Limits
- What if I spend a week, not allowed to draw out my art and I have to use other ways to be creative?
- What if I had to use an etch-a-sketch for all my visual art?
- What if I recorded the sounds an etch-a-sketch makes and made music with it?

I definitely love the ideas from number 4.