I Have Overwhelming Maternal Instincts

Today was my first class of Seeing Sideways and, much like I had imagined it would be, I had a lot of very strong thoughts running through my head. First and foremost, I'm so thankful that I decided to take this class. The first assignment alone shows me that this is where I need to be. I need to learn to fishbowl myself, to limit my options before going into a project. I constantly open up my sketchbook and stare at blank pages. More over, a lot of the time I end up just drawing something that feels good to draw. People usually like whatever I turn out, but it's nothing new or challenging for me. A lot of pinup girls, mostly. Curvy figures are fun and easy to draw and they just feel good to draw. It's more self-indulgent than anything. But I really want to learn to express how I feel visually. I have a really difficult time doing abstract work and making a picture show my emotions unless I am literally telling a story with people. I'm hoping this class can help me explore new ways of expressing myself visually. But more than anything, I can't wait to be able to conquer that blank sheet of paper.

I've been making a lot of changes in my life recently. I can tell right off the bat that this class is more about a journey of self discovery than anything else. And that's good. That's what I want. I have made the conscious decision to become who I want to be. Which on the surface sounds easy, but it's not. Being who you want to be often means not being who other people want you to be. I am taking charge of myself and I've decided that I'd rather work hard towards something I really want than settle for something I know I can succeed at. I recently lost thirty pounds and I have ten pounds to go before I hit my goal weight. This has been huge for me. I have never been this thin and I feel great. I feel like I can wear whatever I want to wear and if anyone has anything to say about it, I didn't lose 30lbs for anyone else. I lost it for me. And I'll be damned if anyone tells me I don't get to flaunt it. But that also means I'm letting go of my old self. I'm letting go of all my old clothes that I worked years to accumulate. I have absolutely no clothes in my new size because I've never been this size before. It's scary. But I'm doing it. I feel great about my new weight. I don't feel ashamed of my body anymore. I figure, while I'm at it, time to make some more big changes.

And last but not least, I had a bit of an emotional rollercoaster on the way back to my car with the egg (I hate to admit). I had already had a plan for my egg which involved its inevitable demise. But first, I had to get the egg home. Which meant I needed to take care of the egg until it was time to crack it. So on my way back to my car, which was parked fifteen minutes from the IT building, I was cradling the egg as carefully as I could. And I found myself getting attached to the egg. I really should have seen that coming. I started referring to it as "little guy" and the like. Then I started to feel bad that I was going to crack it and wanted to think of something I could do that didn't involve cracking the egg. But then I thought, the egg is going to rot anyway. There's nothing I can do to stop the egg from decomposing naturally. I really can't be around anything that needs nurturing or taking care of. I feel that I have a very strong maternal instinct. I often have baby saving dreams, where I go out of my way putting myself in grave danger in order to save a baby. Rest assured, if there is ever a baby in need of saving, I will be there. I also have incredibly pleasant pregnancy dreams. I'm always happy in my pregnancy dreams, they're my favourite. I really can't wait to have children. My siblings are much younger than I am so I was taking care of babies not that long ago. I really enjoyed it and I love them with all my heart. I miss having a baby around the house and my main goal in life is to have a family and to be a good mother. Unfortunately these feelings often get projected onto other aspects of my life including inanimate objects that remind me of babies. So now I'm having a bit of a moral dilemma with an egg. Perhaps I can figure out a creative thing to do that immortalizes my little egg friend.