Class Take Away 9/29/14

I'm really tired and can't be bothered to think of a better title.
Last class was a lot of fun. It was really inspiring. But in a super vague way.
I know that as of this moment, based on last class, I want to go make myself a Gorgo dress.

I also want to do something with disco. Because I love disco. I love it so much. I have these wonderful platform heels. I have some high waisted jeans. Hell, I have a cool romper. But it's pinstripe. Pinstripe probably doesn't go with cow spots. I have a regular black romper, too. Hmm, decisions.
I'm super artsy right now. I have so many things I want to do.
I want to make Sean two shirts. One that says "Fuck it, Let's drink" with a random anchor on it. And another that says "POLITE AS FUCK." Neither of which will he ever be able to wear out in public.
I'm making him a bento box for thanksgiving and I have a ton of recipes I need to try out before then so I can work out the kinks. I need to get some pasta sheets and color them... I want to make something like this.

There will be onigiri, ramen eggs, shrimp fried rice, and sushi. I have to buy a few different seaweeds and try them out. They have different tastes, you know. It's all a lot of work.
My friend's birthday is coming up and I'm gonna make him some shoes. But I'm not sure what I'll put on them. I was thinking maybe Slenderman. I draw a mean Slenderman.
Right now it's feeling like the theme of my "MORE" project would be best catered to me making MORE AND MORE PROJECTS.
I went home and talked to mom and dad about how the broken rules projects went. It was at this point in time they came up with a MILLION broken rules ideas. I was like, "Where was this YESTERDAY when I needed it?"
So I'm feeling very artsy and ready to make things. I want to go to the store and get a bunch of ingredients and try out a bunch of recipes. I want to get blank shirts and make shirts. I want to get bedsheets and faux leather and make a dress. I want to draw on shoes. I want to get more shoes and draw on more shoes just for the hell of it.
But I'm hella tired.
Also, it's my brother's birthday. So I really should be going to Chuck E. Cheese's soon. And I have SO MUCH to do for Sequential Narrative. Not because it's required but because I want to do it right.
I want to sit down and make a nice outline of my comic. A comic, I think you'd love by the way.
Quick summary as told by my friend: "A fresh new look into social norms and exciting adventures among rival bands, scurrying hedgehogs, and the romantic comedy of neurosis."
Not to mention I left school yesterday singing opera. Like, so much opera. I had almost forgotten how much I loved Beehtoven's Mount of Olives Hallelujah.

Anyway, I guess I'm rambling a lot in this one. The main thing I took away from class is a lot of random inspiration. A very vague sense of inspiration, that appears to have leaked into every one of my creative facets. How odd.
I'd better get to work on that while I still have the motivation.

Breaking My Own Rules

When I first thought about the assignment, I was pretty certain I was going to have to break the rules by not breaking the rules. Because I actually break rules quite a bit, which I didn't realize until I went to actively do it.
I break fashion rules all the time. I dress however I please. My friend once said, "Sometimes you're super girly and you wear fancy dresses and high heels for no reason, and then other days you show up looking like a boy." I like Tripp pants, fancy dresses, high waisted shorts, polka dots, and pirates. I used to wear these kitty ears to school and one year, for what seems to be for the sole reason of crushing my spirit, they told me I wasn't allowed to wear them anymore. I was publicly humiliated through email by one of the teachers who sent an email to all the other teachers. All day I had to hear about "the kitty ears girl." So, I did my self portrait of me with my kitty ears on and that picture was hung up in the hallway for months.
I break art rules a lot, too. It doesn't make any sense to me that art should even have rules. I oil paint with my fingers. I sit cross legged on my desk when I paint. I eyeball proportions instead of measuring them. I wipe my paintbrushes off on my jeans. I once "painted" with make up. Didn't turn out well, but I tried it. I really like to draw on paper bags. And shoes. They have a good texture. Hell, I painted anchors right on my shorts cuz I wanted anchors on my shorts.
I have kind of a "I do what I want" attitude about a lot of things, so I was hard pressed to find a rule I could break that wouldn't get me locked up in jail or kicked out of the house or fired from my job.
That's when I found these glorious heels. So beautiful. I was like, "I would be a greek goddess in these heels."

And my mom said, "No, you wouldn't. Contrary to popular belief, you can not be whatever you want to be."
And my dad replied, "That is the worst thing you've ever said. You can't tell someone they can't be whatever they want to be."
So I said, "I'll break THAT rule! I WILL be whatever I want to be! And I will buy these shoes and become a greek goddess!"
Also, I have my own rule that is to have $100 left of my paycheck after I buy necessities right after i get paid. After this purchase I'll only have $75. I get a little up tight about budgeting. As it happens, I don't have a lot of bills and really don't need the extra money. But it's a rule I set for myself because I am incredibly high strung, especially about money management. So, I went ahead and broke one of my own rules at the same time.
On the one hand, I AM GOING TO BE A GREEK GODDESS. THIS IS AMAZING. I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THESE SHOES GET HERE. SEAN (Also a greek god in his own right) AND I CAN GO BLESSING PEOPLE AND WHATNOT.
On the other hand, I only have $75 left for the next two weeks. $75 and so many other things I want or need. I need to get Q-tips. And some more soda. I have expensive taste in soda. And most things. Thankfully, I only really do frivolous things with Sean, who pays for almost everything when we hang out. I feel bad, I'm an expensive date.
I'm getting off track.
The point is, I broke my own rule. And in a way, it's thrilling. And also terrifying. We'll see when the shoes arrive if it was worth it.

Trash into Treasure

I thought it was funny how we mentioned that some people took a violent, angry approach to the altered book and others took a more peaceful approach.
I definitely took a much more peaceful approach. I figure, we're supposed to be turning it into something positive, not into more negativity. I definitely know what it's like to rage and get all my anger out. I know what it's like to do somewhat irrational things to work out my anger. But this book project will be with me for the semester and I don't have any interest in getting that worked up and angry every time I go to work on it.
I want to be able to look at the end product and not have to worry about what the original book meant to me. I want it to be something new that I can be proud of and show off to people.
I'm still not sure exactly what I want to do with the book.
My favourite idea so far is having my friends write positive things in it because I've found that can be very powerful. Yes, I've done a lot in recent years to learn to love myself and I do finally feel like I care more about what I think of myself than I do about what other people think of me. But when I get really down on myself, sometimes it takes encouraging words from someone else to get me to see the light.
And it's encouraging words from a friend that helped me to learn to value myself in the first place.
From there... I sort of used the "fake it till you make it" approach. Talk myself up like I'm amazing until I really start to believe it. And after all this time, I'm starting to believe it.
I can look back at where I've come from and what I've done and be impressed with myself.
I want to have that same journey with this book. Where when I look back on it, I don't see the sadness in the beginning, but the hope in the journey.

50 What Ifs...

1.) What if I take the pages and make an origami sculpture out of them?
2.) What if I paint all over the pages?
3.) What if I fill the book with pictures of things that make me happy?
4.) What if I cut up the pages and make a new book from the old words?
5.) What if I give the book to my siblings (5 and 8) and let them alter it before I do?
6.) What if I rip out the pages and make a paper mache sculpture out of them?
7.) What if I take a sharpie and black out every word that upsets me?
8.) What if I cut up/paint the pages and make it into a pop up book?
9.) What if I make the pages into paper dolls?
10.) What if I wrap the pages around wire and make it into a doll?
11.) What if I burn the book and make sand art with the ashes?
12.) What if I turn the pages into a paper mache mask?
13.) What if I fashion the pages into puppets?
14.) What if I carve out the inside of the book and make it into a chest?
15.) What if I painted each page white and wrote a new book?
16.) What if I made a hat from the pages?
17.) What if I took the pages and made a smaller book and gave it to a 3D printed sculpture of who the book is for?
18.) What if I made colorful pinwheels from the pages?
19.) What if I made a large mat from the pages for me to paint over?
20.) What if I glued the pages together to make a thick board to paint on?
21.) What if I made a bunch of little rings from the pages to represent the things that make me happy?
22.) What if I shared the book with my best friend and we took turns writing annotations in the book?
23.) What if I fashioned a headband with kitty ears out of the pages?
24.) What if I made claws out of the pages to fight away the bad vibes?
25.) What if I made a dollhouse out of the pages for my sister?
26.) What if I made doll clothes for my sister? (from the pages)
27.) What if, every time I had a terrible day, I rip a page out of the book and write about my day in big bold letters and then crumple it up and put it in a glass jar?
28.) What if I used the pages to made linocut prints?
29.) What if I used the pages to make gift card holders for my cousins' Christmas gifts?
30.) What if I used the margins of the pages to make a flip book of my weight loss journey?
31.) What if I constructed wearable wings out of the pages?
32.) What if I made envelopes out of the pages and sent my friends positive thoughts every two weeks?
33.) What if I made the pages into a full dress?
34.) What if I used the book to press flowers, leaves, and other flat objects that I love?
35.) What if I hid the book near the creek by my house and went to check on it every other day to see how nature has changed it?
36.) What if I took a mirror and covered it with the pages and painted what I see when I look in the mirror?
37.) What if I made a sculpture of a flower and write encouraging quotes on each petal and rip off a petal and read it whenever I start to feel discouraged?
38.) What if I pass the book around to all my closest friends and assign them each a page to show how they feel about me and use the last two pages to show how I feel about myself and to reflect on what my friends think of me?
39.) What if I use the pages to make a Viking Hat for my stuffed tiger that has been sitting at the foot of my bed since I was 6?
40.) What if I went through the book and highlighted all the words that begin with 'B' with a green highlighter?
41.) What if, whenever I have a bad day, I take a hammer and bludgeon the book?
42.) What if I turn the book inside out and make a counter book on the other side of the cover?
43.) What if I cut the pages so that a giant octopus is coming out of the book when you open it?
44.) What if I make the book into a picture frame and put my favourite picture in it?
45.) What if I rip out the pages and make them into Christmas ornaments?
46.) What if I use the paper to make paper mache replacement limbs for my broken toys?
47.) What if I use the pages to make a "rainmaker?"
48.) What if I made a dreamcatcher from my book pages?
49.) What if I made the pages into a big bow for my hair?
50.) What if I made the pages into a wearable corset?

I'm Not A Relaxing Person

When we were discussing what our doodles said about how we used our brains and our creative process, I felt very strongly that the process I went through while "doodling" was very much like how I think. It was very meticulous. When I think, I go over every nook and cranny of options available to me. I used to say that if I thought long enough, I could figure out a solution to any problem. Eventually, I would think of it, as long as I kept thinking. But this can also be very stressful. I often have to back track and explore options I don't like much. I do take time to just sit and think pretty often. In fact, I spend my whole work day thinking on my various issues that need to be resolved.
With my anti-gravity drawing, I just did scribbles and then continually refined them. But in high school, I used to whip out pictures and practice realism. I would become totally engulfed in my art and whatever I was thinking about. I would get frustrated and make faces and make noises. People would sometimes see me doing this and say, "it's okay, it's just a drawing, it doesn't have to be perfect." But what's funny is I really enjoyed this process. I enjoyed getting frustrated about my realism and stressing out over it. It was a good way of working through the emotions I was already feeling, but taking them out on something where it wouldn't matter what happened in the end. It was very cathartic for me. And sometimes at the end of the process, I would have a beautiful piece of realism. If not, then I know I got in some practice.
I know a lot of people wouldn't say they enjoy stressing out about things, and I'm not sure I'd say I necessarily enjoy it either. But I know that I am a control freak and I need exercises that make me feel like I'm in control. I know that when I think about something, I need something to work out my anger, because I have a lot of pent up anxiety that can block me mentally if I don't get it out one way or another.
Conversely, I find it difficult to enjoy seemingly relaxing activities. I often tell people that I'm not fun and that I don't enjoy fun things. The only one who takes it to heart is Sean, who appears to understand (at this point) what I mean by that. I don't like to watch movies. I know you're listening to a story, but in the end you've really just sat there for three hours doing nothing with your life. When I do watch a movie, I have to be a part of it. I have to talk through the movie about it or other things. When I read, I put the book down every few pages to sit and think about things. Even when I'm watching TV shows and Let's Plays on Youtube, I'm usually doing something else at the same time. I get bored easily and hate to feel unproductive.
So letting my mind wander and doing something random isn't really something I'm used to. Nor is it at all how I think. My mind may appear to jump from topic to topic when I speak, but everything connects. Because of this, I feel I often have a difficult time thinking of concepts outside my comfort zone without some outside help or without sudden inspiration.

Doodling is Hard

I am way too much of a perfectionist to doodle actual little pictures. For me, doodling is something I do to stay awake in class. Doodling is something I do to help me focus on what someone is saying during a lecture. I started with the word "anti-gravity" so I decided to do a sort of... floating ink look. I scribbled a bunch of lines and then started to make a somewhat "brushy" look with my pen. From there I just did what felt good. Thicker lines when I wanted thicker lines and when I felt like I wanted more bubbles, I added circles and connected them to the larger piece. My only "rule" was that I not have harsh angles.
Although it was not a conscious thing that I was concerned about synchronicity I was hungry for Chik-Fil-A at the time. From that day on, I heard about Chik-Fil-A everywhere. Apparently the CEO died. The new guy at work used to work at Chik-Fil-A. All the kids at school eat Chik-Fil-A, which has probably always been the case, but I could definitely hear it more. I finally broke down and bought myself some Chik-Fil-A before my doctor's appointment on Thursday. Maybe now that my craving's gone, I won't see it everywhere.
I did however, think about my relationship with my best friend, Sean. It's definitely been an artistic journey. When I first met Sean, I had this imaginary friend. Sean didn't... normally look like my imaginary friend, but one day he dyed his hair and walked into class and it just... hit me. There he was, looking just like my imaginary friend. Pale skin, green eyes, and now that his hair was black, I could really see it. I decided right then and there that I was going to do everything I could to avoid Sean so that I wouldn't confuse him with someone I felt like I knew. We started running into each other everywhere. All our classes synched up. We were in the same hallways at the same time. We had lunches at the same time. I became so paranoid, I started having nightmares about him. I would wake up in a cold sweat, screaming and panting.
It turns out that we had a lot of mutual friends. I finally heard from one of my friends that he was really upset that I was afraid of him. He thought I hated him. I remember him waiting for me outside of class from time to time, trying to talk to me and get to know me better. All it really did was make me more paranoid that he was following me. It didn't help that he lived nearby and started riding my bus when he started dating a girl that rode my bus.
I felt bad that he was upset. All I wanted to do in the beginning was try not to confuse him with someone who wasn't real, but I ended up blurring the lines between fantasy and reality in other ways. I became determined to become friends with Sean and make it up to him. I started sitting with he and a mutual friend of ours at lunch. At first, I was so scared, I would shake. Sean would sometimes ask me if I was cold. Josh often served to calm my nerves enough that I felt comfortable around Sean.
At this point in my thoughts, I was done with my doodle. So when I went to Sean's house Thursday night, I asked him what it was exactly we talked about when we were first getting to know each other.
He said we talked about art. I would draw him a lot. I remember him sending me some pictures so I could get in some realism practice. I used to practice with those pictures night and day. I have complete confidence in my abilities with realism now and I owe a large part of that to Sean for being so cooperative.

(an outline for a painting of Sean I haven't finished yet)

Sean became my muse. He inspired me and he encouraged me. Through Sean I learned I have a passion for photography and have taken leaps and bounds as an artist.
But since, Sean has become something of a spiritual muse to me. Sean and I became best friends. He is my very closest friend and I can't imagine life without him. He encourages me as a person to follow my dreams. He has challenged me in life. I have a list of quotes from Sean I keep with me to help me through the day. He inspires me as a human being to stay true to myself. Through him I have learned to love myself. We have been through a lot together and those experiences have helped me to grow as a person. You can't be a successful artist with no feeling in your work.
I feel like my journey with Sean is a great example of serendipity, synchronicity, spontaneity, and surrender. And the art we make together has been going on for years and will hopefully continue for years and years to come.

It's What You Make Of It

After we talked about the value of a textbook and how it's valuable to others after you've altered it, I felt like it related heavily to my weight loss journey. I've been thinking a lot lately about how much money matters once you've purchased something. Particularly with my clothing. Over the last couple months, I made the choice to start a diet and lose some weight. So far I've lost 32lbs and have pretty consistently been needing to replace my pants each month. So when I went through my closet after losing the first ten pounds, I didn't want to let go of all the clothes I'd taken so much time to find and put so much money into purchasing.
I had an extensive collection of clothing. It was eclectic and full of things no one else owned. After building my collection for years, naturally, I didn't want to get rid of all I'd worked so hard to make.
It wasn't until I was at my 20lb mark that I really started to understand. I loved my collection so much, but I had to let go of it. Some of the things that didn't mean much to me, I gave to consignment. I made a good couple bucks and used it for gas to go to chicago for a few days with my best friend. What I got out of those pieces of clothing, was three days I'll never forget. And three days Sean and I spent bonding and talking about big things that we'd been putting off talking about for a long time.
The rest of my clothing I've been giving to my friends who can't afford clothes. It has been really emotional to see how excited they are to receive such beautiful clothing for free. A lot of the time they ask if I want something in return or if I want any money for the clothes and the answer is no. I just want those clothes to go to a home with someone who will care about them and love them the way I did.
I've gone from 160lbs and a size 13, to 127lbs and a size 6. There's no way any of those clothes I had could still fit me. There are a few pieces, less than ten, that I plan to alter. More over, I'm planning to get a sewing machine and start making my own clothing. After hand making my dress for my Jessica Rabbit cosplay this year, I decided making my own clothing would be the best way of ensuring I had unique clothing that fit. And if I found something cute while I was out that didn't fit, I could always alter it. I've since started hemming my pants myself, which has opened up a lot of opportunities for me with purchasing clothing.
It's no small task to replace an entire wardrobe. It's not a cheap one either. But the money I put into my clothing to begin with is gone now and no longer has any standing on the value of those items. All I can do is cherish the memories and use those to help others. Use them to help me design my own clothing. Use the bargain hunting skills I've gained to build an even better collection from here on out.

Experiment is Right.

Many eggs ended up being sacrificed in the name of my project.
Since my parents are also both creative people, I often brainstorm my creative projects with them. It never disappoints. I sat down with my mom and she helped me come up with the idea for making a sort of... egg ship in a bottle. To break the egg and then repair it with a little "bird" inside. The bird being an origami crane.
There were so many problems with this.
I used our own eggs we bought from the grocery store to try out my techniques. First I tried covering the egg with tape and then cutting the tape off of the egg. Then draining the egg and gluing the broken shell pieces onto the tape cast. That didn't work. Get this, eggs don't like to be modpodged to tape.
Second I tried draining the egg and carving the hollow shell as I've seen other people do before. Only I don't have patience or a dremel. Also, it was at this point I decided blowing the insides out of an egg was not nearly as easy as everyone made it sound like it was going to be. I used my x-acto knife to try cutting into the egg. But it involved too much force, there was no way I could cut a pattern without little cracks in the other parts of the shell.
It was at this point with my half broken shell that I considered cutting it straight down the middle. I began cutting down the middle and then a big chunk fell out of the bottom. This, I thought, would be a perfect place for the crane to be looking out of.
I had my design.
I went back to the kitchen and blew out the egg I was given in class, then cut down the middle and pulled a chunk out of the bottom for the crane to look out of.
Did I mention I was babysitting the entire time I was working on this? Because I was. I can't tell you how many questions I got about the weird things I was doing with eggs.
Then I went and looked up how to make an origami crane because, as it happens, I didn't know how to make an origami crane. I'm actually pretty good at origami, though, so I figured I wouldn't have much of an issue with it. It took a couple tries, mostly because I don't have any perfectly square paper in my house so I had to cut my paper to size.
Once I had my crane in my egg I decided it was too white. While I was making it, I imagined I would have a white egg and an orange crane. So naturally I started painting the egg red. Well, first actually, I tried dying the egg red. It didn't work. I don't know what I was going for. Sharpies and water. I probably could have looked up a good egg dying technique online. Gone out and bought food colouring. But I didn't do either of those things. Instead I broke out my water colour set and started watercolour painting my egg.
Side note, I don't watercolour paint ever. This was my first time opening a set I was given years ago. It's at this point I start to think, "Gosh, this smells like formaldehyde." Only to look it up and find there's formaldehyde in the paint. If I didn't already hate watercolour painting, I now have a solid reason to. Also, I'm somewhat disturbed by my ability to accurately point out the scent of formaldehyde.
So, with the smell of death thick in the air, I look at my red egg and think, "This looks like a complete gore fest." I wash all the paint off leaving a white egg with red membrane and little red cracks in it. I was very happy with the look of this.
I went on to paint my little crane red, wait for it to dry, get impatient and just shove it into the egg half dried.

I like to think my egg and little red crane are representative of birth and I'm not bothered by the blood red all over it because birth is a traumatic thing. But very precious. And very fragile.
I'm glad I was able to find a way to use my egg that didn't involve totally destroying it... exactly. I'm also glad I was able to use so many forms of art I've never used before. This is probably what I'd call my first "sculpture."
It's not exactly what I originally intended but I like the end result and I feel it carries the same spirit as my "ship in a bottle" idea.