Fear Take Away 4

I was late for class so I missed some of the assignments.

Mr. Drowning in his thoughts
I think his representation with the hand reaching out of the water is perfect. I totally relate to this idea. When I do artwork, I absolutely have to have something on in the background or I'll start to get lost in my thoughts. If I get into my thoughts too long, they get dark. I get angry. I just can't let myself be that angry, it's not safe. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like this, but I'm sorry he has to go through it, too. It really does feel like drowning.

Mr. Anxiety about the future
I found this was a common theme. I liked his skull picture, it's very good. I don't know what else there is to say about anxiety about the future. It's a scary thing, but there's nothing you can do about the future now. I used to stay up all night stressing about my weight, but Rome wasn't built in a day. I didn't lose weight over night. I lost weight over half a year. The future often takes time to come to fruition. It's our job in the here and now to make the future worth it. It's okay to worry sometimes, but it bothers me that so many people are deeply troubled about the future. It's not fair that our society promotes so much anxiety about things we can't do anything about.

Mr. Children
This one really hit home for me. I don't think he brought anything in, but he discussed his fear of not being able to provide a better life for his kids. I totally get that on every level. I make every decision with the thought in mind that one day I will have kids and how it will effect my life then. I haven't had a bad life but I still want a better life for my kids. Because of that, I'm waiting until I'm done with college to get married. I'm waiting until I feel financially comfortable and have money put aside to have children. It's a big deal and I want the best for my kids. I write myself notes sometimes for when I have children, to remind me what it's like to be the child. I really think it pushes me to be the best I can be creatively. So my kids and my siblings won't be scared to do the same. My parents are so supportive of my art and I'm very thankful, as I'm sure he's thankful for his parents. I can't imagine choosing between my parents and my children. It would be the most awful thing. But I think in the end, I would have to choose my children. I love my parents and if they love me, they'll understand they have to let me do what's best for my children. Just as they would have done for me.


Mr. Guitar
I definitely felt like this sounded hopeful, not fearsome. I feel like I learned a lot about Blair. He usually seems very unattached, but no one unattached could write music like that. We talked a lot about the texture of the song, and I still think that's vitally important. Texture is so important in the sterile world we live in. Some of my favourite art has been on the back of Arby's bags. I hope our discussion alleviated some of his fears about judgement. So many people are so scared of judgement. Other people do not make you who you are. You make you who you are. The only person who's opinion really matters is your own. And people who love themselves tend to be well liked by the people around them.

"WE CAN'T ARGUE WHEN YOU'RE DRAWING ON YOUR FACE WITH MARKER!"

This semester, the class didn't force me to change as much as I thought it would. And I suppose that's because I was already changing a lot. Today, right now, I'm a totally different person than I thought I would be as late as last semester. Today I took a picture of myself sitting down. Last semester I used to cover my tummy in class because I was so self conscious about it. Now I am taking pictures of myself sitting down and I can look at them without worrying and I can say, "damn! I look good!" Losing weight was a huge, constant struggle and it really helped me to feel good about myself. Largely because I can worry less about diabetes and other health issues, I look good and people like me more for it (which is kind of stupid, but whatever). I now get to complain about the store not having my size because it's too small, not too large. But also because I set a goal, A BIG GOAL, and I worked hard over a very long period of time to achieve that goal. And here I am, two months after I hit my goal and I'm still under my weight goal.
But it's not just my weight loss journey that has changed me. My relationship with Sean changed me a lot. I decided, finally, to choose myself over him. I love Sean so much and he is my best friend no matter what happens. But we want two completely different things and I can't keep trying to make that work. I need to go find someone who wants the same kind of relationship that I do. Someone who really wants me. Sean began to just... expect me. He started saying things like, "Of course you did, you always return my stuff." And I always this and always that. Like I would just ALWAYS be there no matter what he did. Sean is a good person, but he's been moving into a dark place lately. And I'm not going to let him expect me to just tolerate being treated however he wants to treat me based on things I have no control over. Hopefully someday things will get better and we can have a healthy friendship again. But for now, I'm choosing me.
I've started dating around. It's awful. I can't stand being hit on. Boys annoy and confuse me. But it's still a big step. Hopefully it will get easier, but it's something I have to do for myself. Learn to have a love life outside of Sean.
And my comic class. Damn. I didn't know how hard I could work until this semester. I didn't know I could REALLY WORK 19 HOURS STRAIGHT. I didn't know I could do that! I didn't know I could work 19 hours straight and work another 13 and a half hours the next day. But I did. I have that in me. And that impresses me. I always said I was a hard worker, but I really actually am. And I survived. It was awful but I did it. And I felt so relieved and blessed to have my finished piece in my hand. Without even missing my part time job. I feel like, with that kind of work ethic, I can make it in the world. I have renewed purpose here at this school and in my every day life.
I thank you so much for providing this class and being a wonderful professor. I'm glad I got to take Seeing Sideways.

Fear Response

I feel like the most common fears were judgement and failure. Which are very similar fears and very relatable fears. I think everyone has those fears from time to time. I mean, I guess more than time to time. People have those fears often. But I don't personally count them as terribly worrisome fears for myself because I've come to a point where I'm comfortable with myself and my accomplishments. I am someone who sets realistic goals and makes them. And I recognize that being "successful" means nothing if you're not happy.
I don't know what to say in a way. There were so many different fears all represented in different ways. I thought they were brilliant. So many talented people. And it's hard to believe they're scared because they're so good, you know? It made me feel better about some of my anxieties to hear other people talk about theirs.
I feel bad a bit that I talked a lot. I felt like maybe I was stepping on people's toes. But at the same time, I didn't want to risk having something to say that could possibly help someone and keeping it to myself. I've been down the road of being scared of judgment. So scared that I just wouldn't even try. But I'm past that now. I know that I'll NEVER succeed if I don't try. "If at first you don't succeed, try and try again," may be a cliche but it's totally true. You just have to get back up and keep trying. It's not easy. It's hard. But I'd rather say, "I did the hard thing and kept trying" than say "It was too hard, I couldn't keep trying." I want to be the person that keeps trying. So I will be.
I've been afraid of failure. I'm somewhat afraid of it right now. But I know that the worst that can happen now is that I've wasted money (which isn't totally important anyway) and time, and that I'll just have to retake the class and pick myself back up and keep trying.
I've been scared of being alone. So scared of being alone. I absolutely hate it. Which might be weird because I don't like "people" very much. But sometimes late at night, I turn on the tv just to hear a person's voice. I like living next to the high way because I like to hear the cars go by, it reminds me I'm not the only person alive. I've often felt that unless I'm being observed by another, I'm not really existing. But I have to take the risk that that's not the case. And worse comes to worst, I do what I can to just make myself feel better. I just leave the house. I make sure people observe me. I make sure I know I'm existing by my own rules. Sometimes that's all you can do. We've all been through a time when we felt alone and we all get over it in one way or another, but it takes time.
The one that hit closest to home was losing a friend. Because I recently lost Sean, in a way. I miss him every day. I think about him less now than I did at first but I still miss my best friend. I still lament what happened and how he's acting. I want him to be happy and healthy and I want him to take a good hard look at himself and see what kind of person he's becoming. This isn't the kind of person he'd want to be. He texted me the other day to let me know he got the car we were looking at. We talked about it for a while and it was the first conversation we'd had since we broke up. I've felt a lot better since then. But I still miss him terribly. I don't know what I'll do if we're never really friends again. I feel like I've lost a part of myself. And of course, I miss having someone who genuinely wanted to see me all the time. I don't know what changed but I can't dwell on it. I just have to keep moving forward. If he needs me, he knows where I am. My happiness comes from me now.
I guess in a lot of ways, now that I'm BIG SISTER I feel like I'm not allowed to be scared anymore. All the things that used to be scary are nothing because if something happens to my kids (siblings) I have to be there. If someone attacks them, I have to be ready to give everything to stop that. The scariest thing that I think has ever happened to me, was hearing my little brother screaming in terror because he watched something scary. Hearing him scream and not being able to find him was the worst feeling in the world. It's been a long time, but he used to do that a lot. It was horrible. No matter what happens, my fear goes out the window when it comes to my siblings. Spiders? Fuck spiders. Snakes? Fuck 'em. Bees? Fuck bees! Fuck it all if it tries to mess with my siblings. I told a friend the other day that some of my strength and feeling of needing to be big and strong and intimidating comes from trying to be momma bear. That's fine with me. I'll be strong and big and intimidating. I can take on the world. And I will.

Altered Book

What is your opinion of combining technology and the human body as she did in the video?

I think it's cool. She thinks in a way I hope to be able to someday. Her ideas are so innovative and new. She clearly has passion for her work. The world is changing and these are the sorts of things people need to consider.
What is your opinion of combining a media arts and science project with your own body?

It's brilliant. Most artist's first model is themselves. Our body is our most accessible tool. If you can't do something right, do it yourself. Your body will always be available to you and will always have your consent. 

What is identity of self in the digital world?

In the digital world, I would say that identity of self can go to extremes. On the one hand, you can pretend to be someone you absolutely are not. On the other hand, you can choose to represent yourself as purely who you feel you are. The thing about digital expression is that it is an entirely different thing from expressing yourself with your voice and body. Both have their own limitations of course. But a huge roadblock for most people is their appearance. To a certain degree, people cannot change their bodies and appearances. I will always be short. Unless some cosmetic surgery comes into play, I will always have a pronounced cupid's bow.

How will you change this book?

I ripped it up. I took off the cover. I made origami from the pages. I cut out pages. I formed pages into other things. I coloured on it. I wrote in it. I used duct tape to wrap around pages and make shapes. I blacked out words. I glued in pictures. I folded pages.
How will this book change you? 

It changed how I felt about the book. I had a very positive view of the book after the project. I don't know if I want to keep the book or not. I feel it's a pretty good representation of who I am now that the project is over. I feel like it shows my transformation from who I am to who I want to be. I have made a lot of huge changes lately and I never thought I would be who I am today. But I like myself and I think past me would like me, too.

The cover. I took off the original sleeve. I decided not to deface the cover because by the end of the project, I didn't have the same resentment for the subject matter as I did going into it. At the beginning of the semester I had a lot of nerdy guys trying to get me to leave my long time lover. There was a lot of telling me things I already knew about him. A lot of trying to convince me I was being cheated on. A lot of telling me I liked him for dumb reasons. Basically a lot of TELLING ME how MY RELATIONSHIP was. I did eventually end up leaving my lover but not for any of those reasons. Things got serious, he got scared and ran away like he always does. And I can't take that anymore. Also, he's got a growing alcohol problem and I really don't want any part of that. I'm jumping ship before that becomes my problem, too. I added an origami viking hat because I like to compare myself to things like vikings. If I had to choose one feature that I like the most about myself, it's that I'm strong. Strong mentally. Strong emotionally. I am a strong person with a strong will. I won't let the world tear me down. I won't stop being invested in people just because I get hurt. I won't stop being a loving person just because the world is harsh. I'm too strong for that. And I owe it to myself to be the kind of person I want to be.

 This page was based on my scribble project. I showed a transformation from the dark top left side to the lighter (more positive) bottom right. There are also trees in the background to represent growth.

 This was to represent my egg project. Because I wanted to nurture the egg I decided to put a duct tape heart here (even though it's ugly), because I need to nurture myself and nurture my heart.

 This was to represent my rule breaking project. It has to do with breaking the rule that I can't become a goddess. I forgot to wear the shoes to class, dammit. I'll have to drop by some time with my shoes on (when it isn't so damn cold). This sis a wing that says "I am a self-made goddess." I really love this because I feel that people have no choice to create themselves. Whatever it is I am, I made myself this way. They said I could be whatever I wanted, so I became a goddess. As a goddess, I created myself. Not physically, but spiritually.

 This page was really hard to take a picture of, I'm sorry. But it just has the letters to spell out CONTROL. I was trying to look for the word "controller" in the book since it's a book about geek dating, but I couldn't find one ANYWHERE. He says "Player One" every two sentences but no "controller"? Whatever. I like that this is a black page with just the single word. I feel like it represents the single mindedness I have about control and the void represents the fear of what would happen if I were to lose control.

 This isn't about any of the projects necessarily. Well it is, sort of. But not about a project in this class. You know, I can feel how people look at me when I talk about doing art for school. How they see me drawing and slaving away over my computer and they don't see the stress. Well, they see that I am stressed, but they can't see what's stressful about it. All my friends have these huge final tests. I'd much rather have a TEST than a whole entire COMIC BOOK DUE! I mean, I wouldn't really. Because I am head over heels in love with my comic book and it is my comic baby and I worked so damn hard to make it what it is and it's glorious. But studying for something isn't at all the same as CREATING something. When you study, everything you need to pass is already there. When you create something, you HAVE to do work. ALL THE WORK. If I didn't study for my Javascript final (and I didn't) I still walk into my class and take the final (and get a C). I still get a grade above 0, just for answering a single question right. Whether I did anything for that final or not. But you can't walk into class with nothing when you have a project due. I'm tired of getting the "it's just art" looks. Tired of reading the "it's just art" statuses. Tired of being looked in the eyes and told about how hard my cousin's high school finals are while she's laying on my cough watching christmas movies and I'm sitting in the corner of the room surrounded by empty coke cans. Drinking coffee out of one of my two giant coffee mugs. Having gone to work at 4:30am and come home at 9:30am to start working on my "just art." Which I continued to work on all day long, non-stop. Meals went by while I sat in the corner feverishly working my hands to the bone, missing out on much needed sleep. And I get to hear about how it's just art. Thankfully, my parents don't feel that way. My friends know I work hard. And so do my professors. AND SO DO I. And that's what counts.

 This page represents my identity project. This is actually something I say pretty often and have for years. It started in my sophomore year of high school. One of our spirit days the freshmen and sophomores were supposed to dress up as ninjas and the juniors and seniors were supposed to dress up as pirates. Well, I freakin' dressed up as a pirate because pirates are bitchin'. And SO many people said to me, "Are you a junior?" or "I didn't know you were a junior!" And I replied, "No, I'm not a junior. I am a pirate every day. Today is no exception." And neither is today. I am a pirate all days. As for why I'm a pirate, it's because I have an amazing sense of adventure and fashion and because I say so. My love for pirates is a part of who I am and is shown in my large collection of skull glassware. It is a large part of my identity.

And lastly, this represents my flavor project. My flavor was savory. So I decided I wanted to savor a moment. This was senior prom (we got some semi-professional pictures done) with my recently ex-lover. We did a steampunk prom. We didn't have a great time at prom. We were actually fighting when these pictures were taken. But the journey of getting the clothing and the pay off of having these great pictures and having had people oggle our fantastic outfits was great. I loved my steampunk prom even though actually being at prom wasn't all that great. And I'm glad I shared it with Sean even though I'm mad at him. I want to savor this memory because it really speaks to who I am as a person and how I make goals and go out and achieve them.

This was a really great project and I'm happy to say I feel it appropriately demonstrates my transformation over the semester.

Fear Take Away 3

Mr. Death
He made a creepy video of bodies decaying. I kind of totally loved the song. This actually really helped me with my fear of death. I was scared of death for a very long time. I would pray every night that I'd get over it. But I couldn't find the missing piece. The thought that some day, I would just be gone like I'd never existed, scared me so much. I'd get a lump in my throat. I couldn't sleep. But thinking that one day, my body will be part of the earth. That really cheers me up. I love the earth. I would love for my body to nurture the earth the way she's always nurtured me. I consider myself Christian, and I have no qualms with the thought of a higher power, "God." But I am totally not cool with the thought of Hell. I don't believe my God would send anyone to eternal damnation. And regardless of what any book says, I won't believe in anything I don't agree with. And some people, some really evil people, I believe would rather live forever in damnation, than cease to exist. And I'd rather not give them that satisfaction. As far as Heaven goes, I just don't know. It's a grey area. How could I possibly know whether or not it exists. I've never come in contact with anything like it. But I think, if my body goes to the earth, I don't care if there's a Heaven. I can be happy and at peace.

Mr. Losing your friend
He drew a very moving picture of what it feels like to lose a friend. I feel that picture right now in my very soul and it feels awful. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to be scared of. I will heal. And he would heal, too. But I hope it never comes to that for him and that he always has his soul friend. And I hope when I come back out on the other side of this, I might have my soul friend back, too.

#4
Made a survey and was scared of judgement. I really don't know how much more I can say on judgement. People's opinions are just that. It's no big deal. There are a lot of stupid people in the world that will say stupid things. I say, use their opinions to improve. Or say "fuck it" and fuck their opinions and go be AWESOME BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT.

Mr. Bees
Made a picture about being attacked by bees. You know what, if I was attacked by 19 bees, I'd be scared of them, too. But since I haven't been, I'm not. I don't think I have anything I'd count as a phobia really. I can't imagine living with that over my head. Summer time is hard enough just hating the heat. Adding a bee phobia sounds awful. I'm not sure how people get over phobias, or if they ever really can. But I appreciate him opening up to us about it.

Ms. Pyramid
She made a pyramid representing how she feels with other people, versus how she feels alone. I was where she is right now not too long ago. It's my strong opinion that everyone goes through this sometime. Some time or another people realize that they're really always alone. Even when they're with other people. It's not fun. But I also think nearly everyone gets over it. You learn to live with yourself and appreciate yourself more. But when it gets bad, I don't sit around and take it anymore. I get up and leave the house. I go to the mall to be with people. I will drive an hour and a half just to see a friend, if I really need one. It's worth it. It's good for your soul.

Ms. Tapeworm
This was a perfect representation of a tapeworm. I knew exactly what it was, I absolutely loved it. I've never loved a tapeworm until now. She was worried about her apathy and how it effects her relationships with other people. I find this odd because my dad and my ex-boyfriend are both similar about social situations. They just sort of, feel out the vibe and respond accordingly. They don't go to people, they let people come to them. These kids of people are needed to balance out the seekers and the go-getters. Also, these kinds of people are treasured for being who they are. She is a treasure. She shouldn't worry about not feeling the same way other people do. Her feelings are totally justified. Own it.

Fear Take Away Day 2

Ms. Blank page
She wrote a poem and illustrations to go with the poem that broke out of the border representing the blank page. I definitely understand the fear of the blank page. It gets me all the time. I just stare at it like, "what do I do." I've tried all manner of defeating the blank page. Artists often tell me to draw every day. But some days I just stare at the page like, "whaaaa?" Like I'm not an artist and have no idea what I'm doing. For a while there, I only created art when I was feeling inspired. But inspiration has a small window in which to work. This definitely affects my creativity negatively. Lately I try looking through old poems and notes of mine for inspiration and go online to find prompts. I also go through old sketchbooks and find drawings I want to redo. It's hard, but it's getting me somewhere. Maybe one day, I will defeat the blank page. I hope she does, too.

Mr. Evil in video games
He was afraid of failure. So instead of worrying about it all the time. He decided to go to something selfish and just for him and be as evil as possible in video games. I couldn't do it. I straight up couldn't. It's not in me. I CANNOT be mean in video games. I feel bad when I kill deer. Video game deer. I don't even steal. Not at all. I mercy kill sometimes, but that's because I'm an Orc and I'm not gonna disrespect my character's cultural differences. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for him to do this. I wonder if it helped relieve stress. I think it would just stress me out more.

Mr. Book cover
Made an image with FAILURE all over it in big bold letters. It looked like a book cover. This was absolutely not a failure and I'm so sad that someone can think of themselves that way when they make such beautiful work. The design was brilliant. I think everyone gets down about themselves from time to time. We have a society that focuses on failures rather than successes. And as animals, that's how our brains work. We need to fight against that. Failure is just EXP, so you can go fight your next battle.

Mr. Labyrinth
He drew a really great representation of what it feels like to get lost. GPSs are evil. They're proof AI is trying to take over the world and destroy the humans. This is a very practical fear. I don't know how I'd get back if I got really and truly lost. Creatively speaking, I think his representation was great. I think he could draw on this in his story he's writing to give it more depth and reliability. For me, I think more than worrying about getting lost I would start thinking about what to do once I am lost. Once I am lost, I guess I would make sure to have a phone to call someone and let them know I'm lost and where roughly I am. If I don't have a phone, this gets really scary. But I need to find people with a phone and I need to ask for directions. It goes on. But generally, to relieve anxiety about certain situations, I plan for what will happen when I'm in them. Then I don't feel so worried anymore.

Mr. Landscape
He was scared of not being able to get the career he wanted. So he painted a landscape to help him relieve some of the stress. I think getting a career is something a lot of kids in college have never done, so we're all a little worried about it. It's weird and new. All we know is all the horror stories we've heard about NOT getting a job or LOSING a job. I think schools should stop trying to motivate kids to get successful careers with horror stories about what will happen if they don't. And start motivating them with stories from people who have made it and enjoy their lives. I love what I'm doing and it motivates me to keep trying no matter what. And creatively, that fuels me. I hope he can learn to see it in a more positive light. Stressing out does nothing for a good career.