Fear Response

I feel like the most common fears were judgement and failure. Which are very similar fears and very relatable fears. I think everyone has those fears from time to time. I mean, I guess more than time to time. People have those fears often. But I don't personally count them as terribly worrisome fears for myself because I've come to a point where I'm comfortable with myself and my accomplishments. I am someone who sets realistic goals and makes them. And I recognize that being "successful" means nothing if you're not happy.
I don't know what to say in a way. There were so many different fears all represented in different ways. I thought they were brilliant. So many talented people. And it's hard to believe they're scared because they're so good, you know? It made me feel better about some of my anxieties to hear other people talk about theirs.
I feel bad a bit that I talked a lot. I felt like maybe I was stepping on people's toes. But at the same time, I didn't want to risk having something to say that could possibly help someone and keeping it to myself. I've been down the road of being scared of judgment. So scared that I just wouldn't even try. But I'm past that now. I know that I'll NEVER succeed if I don't try. "If at first you don't succeed, try and try again," may be a cliche but it's totally true. You just have to get back up and keep trying. It's not easy. It's hard. But I'd rather say, "I did the hard thing and kept trying" than say "It was too hard, I couldn't keep trying." I want to be the person that keeps trying. So I will be.
I've been afraid of failure. I'm somewhat afraid of it right now. But I know that the worst that can happen now is that I've wasted money (which isn't totally important anyway) and time, and that I'll just have to retake the class and pick myself back up and keep trying.
I've been scared of being alone. So scared of being alone. I absolutely hate it. Which might be weird because I don't like "people" very much. But sometimes late at night, I turn on the tv just to hear a person's voice. I like living next to the high way because I like to hear the cars go by, it reminds me I'm not the only person alive. I've often felt that unless I'm being observed by another, I'm not really existing. But I have to take the risk that that's not the case. And worse comes to worst, I do what I can to just make myself feel better. I just leave the house. I make sure people observe me. I make sure I know I'm existing by my own rules. Sometimes that's all you can do. We've all been through a time when we felt alone and we all get over it in one way or another, but it takes time.
The one that hit closest to home was losing a friend. Because I recently lost Sean, in a way. I miss him every day. I think about him less now than I did at first but I still miss my best friend. I still lament what happened and how he's acting. I want him to be happy and healthy and I want him to take a good hard look at himself and see what kind of person he's becoming. This isn't the kind of person he'd want to be. He texted me the other day to let me know he got the car we were looking at. We talked about it for a while and it was the first conversation we'd had since we broke up. I've felt a lot better since then. But I still miss him terribly. I don't know what I'll do if we're never really friends again. I feel like I've lost a part of myself. And of course, I miss having someone who genuinely wanted to see me all the time. I don't know what changed but I can't dwell on it. I just have to keep moving forward. If he needs me, he knows where I am. My happiness comes from me now.
I guess in a lot of ways, now that I'm BIG SISTER I feel like I'm not allowed to be scared anymore. All the things that used to be scary are nothing because if something happens to my kids (siblings) I have to be there. If someone attacks them, I have to be ready to give everything to stop that. The scariest thing that I think has ever happened to me, was hearing my little brother screaming in terror because he watched something scary. Hearing him scream and not being able to find him was the worst feeling in the world. It's been a long time, but he used to do that a lot. It was horrible. No matter what happens, my fear goes out the window when it comes to my siblings. Spiders? Fuck spiders. Snakes? Fuck 'em. Bees? Fuck bees! Fuck it all if it tries to mess with my siblings. I told a friend the other day that some of my strength and feeling of needing to be big and strong and intimidating comes from trying to be momma bear. That's fine with me. I'll be strong and big and intimidating. I can take on the world. And I will.