Fear Take Away 4

I was late for class so I missed some of the assignments.

Mr. Drowning in his thoughts
I think his representation with the hand reaching out of the water is perfect. I totally relate to this idea. When I do artwork, I absolutely have to have something on in the background or I'll start to get lost in my thoughts. If I get into my thoughts too long, they get dark. I get angry. I just can't let myself be that angry, it's not safe. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like this, but I'm sorry he has to go through it, too. It really does feel like drowning.

Mr. Anxiety about the future
I found this was a common theme. I liked his skull picture, it's very good. I don't know what else there is to say about anxiety about the future. It's a scary thing, but there's nothing you can do about the future now. I used to stay up all night stressing about my weight, but Rome wasn't built in a day. I didn't lose weight over night. I lost weight over half a year. The future often takes time to come to fruition. It's our job in the here and now to make the future worth it. It's okay to worry sometimes, but it bothers me that so many people are deeply troubled about the future. It's not fair that our society promotes so much anxiety about things we can't do anything about.

Mr. Children
This one really hit home for me. I don't think he brought anything in, but he discussed his fear of not being able to provide a better life for his kids. I totally get that on every level. I make every decision with the thought in mind that one day I will have kids and how it will effect my life then. I haven't had a bad life but I still want a better life for my kids. Because of that, I'm waiting until I'm done with college to get married. I'm waiting until I feel financially comfortable and have money put aside to have children. It's a big deal and I want the best for my kids. I write myself notes sometimes for when I have children, to remind me what it's like to be the child. I really think it pushes me to be the best I can be creatively. So my kids and my siblings won't be scared to do the same. My parents are so supportive of my art and I'm very thankful, as I'm sure he's thankful for his parents. I can't imagine choosing between my parents and my children. It would be the most awful thing. But I think in the end, I would have to choose my children. I love my parents and if they love me, they'll understand they have to let me do what's best for my children. Just as they would have done for me.


Mr. Guitar
I definitely felt like this sounded hopeful, not fearsome. I feel like I learned a lot about Blair. He usually seems very unattached, but no one unattached could write music like that. We talked a lot about the texture of the song, and I still think that's vitally important. Texture is so important in the sterile world we live in. Some of my favourite art has been on the back of Arby's bags. I hope our discussion alleviated some of his fears about judgement. So many people are so scared of judgement. Other people do not make you who you are. You make you who you are. The only person who's opinion really matters is your own. And people who love themselves tend to be well liked by the people around them.

"WE CAN'T ARGUE WHEN YOU'RE DRAWING ON YOUR FACE WITH MARKER!"

This semester, the class didn't force me to change as much as I thought it would. And I suppose that's because I was already changing a lot. Today, right now, I'm a totally different person than I thought I would be as late as last semester. Today I took a picture of myself sitting down. Last semester I used to cover my tummy in class because I was so self conscious about it. Now I am taking pictures of myself sitting down and I can look at them without worrying and I can say, "damn! I look good!" Losing weight was a huge, constant struggle and it really helped me to feel good about myself. Largely because I can worry less about diabetes and other health issues, I look good and people like me more for it (which is kind of stupid, but whatever). I now get to complain about the store not having my size because it's too small, not too large. But also because I set a goal, A BIG GOAL, and I worked hard over a very long period of time to achieve that goal. And here I am, two months after I hit my goal and I'm still under my weight goal.
But it's not just my weight loss journey that has changed me. My relationship with Sean changed me a lot. I decided, finally, to choose myself over him. I love Sean so much and he is my best friend no matter what happens. But we want two completely different things and I can't keep trying to make that work. I need to go find someone who wants the same kind of relationship that I do. Someone who really wants me. Sean began to just... expect me. He started saying things like, "Of course you did, you always return my stuff." And I always this and always that. Like I would just ALWAYS be there no matter what he did. Sean is a good person, but he's been moving into a dark place lately. And I'm not going to let him expect me to just tolerate being treated however he wants to treat me based on things I have no control over. Hopefully someday things will get better and we can have a healthy friendship again. But for now, I'm choosing me.
I've started dating around. It's awful. I can't stand being hit on. Boys annoy and confuse me. But it's still a big step. Hopefully it will get easier, but it's something I have to do for myself. Learn to have a love life outside of Sean.
And my comic class. Damn. I didn't know how hard I could work until this semester. I didn't know I could REALLY WORK 19 HOURS STRAIGHT. I didn't know I could do that! I didn't know I could work 19 hours straight and work another 13 and a half hours the next day. But I did. I have that in me. And that impresses me. I always said I was a hard worker, but I really actually am. And I survived. It was awful but I did it. And I felt so relieved and blessed to have my finished piece in my hand. Without even missing my part time job. I feel like, with that kind of work ethic, I can make it in the world. I have renewed purpose here at this school and in my every day life.
I thank you so much for providing this class and being a wonderful professor. I'm glad I got to take Seeing Sideways.

Fear Response

I feel like the most common fears were judgement and failure. Which are very similar fears and very relatable fears. I think everyone has those fears from time to time. I mean, I guess more than time to time. People have those fears often. But I don't personally count them as terribly worrisome fears for myself because I've come to a point where I'm comfortable with myself and my accomplishments. I am someone who sets realistic goals and makes them. And I recognize that being "successful" means nothing if you're not happy.
I don't know what to say in a way. There were so many different fears all represented in different ways. I thought they were brilliant. So many talented people. And it's hard to believe they're scared because they're so good, you know? It made me feel better about some of my anxieties to hear other people talk about theirs.
I feel bad a bit that I talked a lot. I felt like maybe I was stepping on people's toes. But at the same time, I didn't want to risk having something to say that could possibly help someone and keeping it to myself. I've been down the road of being scared of judgment. So scared that I just wouldn't even try. But I'm past that now. I know that I'll NEVER succeed if I don't try. "If at first you don't succeed, try and try again," may be a cliche but it's totally true. You just have to get back up and keep trying. It's not easy. It's hard. But I'd rather say, "I did the hard thing and kept trying" than say "It was too hard, I couldn't keep trying." I want to be the person that keeps trying. So I will be.
I've been afraid of failure. I'm somewhat afraid of it right now. But I know that the worst that can happen now is that I've wasted money (which isn't totally important anyway) and time, and that I'll just have to retake the class and pick myself back up and keep trying.
I've been scared of being alone. So scared of being alone. I absolutely hate it. Which might be weird because I don't like "people" very much. But sometimes late at night, I turn on the tv just to hear a person's voice. I like living next to the high way because I like to hear the cars go by, it reminds me I'm not the only person alive. I've often felt that unless I'm being observed by another, I'm not really existing. But I have to take the risk that that's not the case. And worse comes to worst, I do what I can to just make myself feel better. I just leave the house. I make sure people observe me. I make sure I know I'm existing by my own rules. Sometimes that's all you can do. We've all been through a time when we felt alone and we all get over it in one way or another, but it takes time.
The one that hit closest to home was losing a friend. Because I recently lost Sean, in a way. I miss him every day. I think about him less now than I did at first but I still miss my best friend. I still lament what happened and how he's acting. I want him to be happy and healthy and I want him to take a good hard look at himself and see what kind of person he's becoming. This isn't the kind of person he'd want to be. He texted me the other day to let me know he got the car we were looking at. We talked about it for a while and it was the first conversation we'd had since we broke up. I've felt a lot better since then. But I still miss him terribly. I don't know what I'll do if we're never really friends again. I feel like I've lost a part of myself. And of course, I miss having someone who genuinely wanted to see me all the time. I don't know what changed but I can't dwell on it. I just have to keep moving forward. If he needs me, he knows where I am. My happiness comes from me now.
I guess in a lot of ways, now that I'm BIG SISTER I feel like I'm not allowed to be scared anymore. All the things that used to be scary are nothing because if something happens to my kids (siblings) I have to be there. If someone attacks them, I have to be ready to give everything to stop that. The scariest thing that I think has ever happened to me, was hearing my little brother screaming in terror because he watched something scary. Hearing him scream and not being able to find him was the worst feeling in the world. It's been a long time, but he used to do that a lot. It was horrible. No matter what happens, my fear goes out the window when it comes to my siblings. Spiders? Fuck spiders. Snakes? Fuck 'em. Bees? Fuck bees! Fuck it all if it tries to mess with my siblings. I told a friend the other day that some of my strength and feeling of needing to be big and strong and intimidating comes from trying to be momma bear. That's fine with me. I'll be strong and big and intimidating. I can take on the world. And I will.

Altered Book

What is your opinion of combining technology and the human body as she did in the video?

I think it's cool. She thinks in a way I hope to be able to someday. Her ideas are so innovative and new. She clearly has passion for her work. The world is changing and these are the sorts of things people need to consider.
What is your opinion of combining a media arts and science project with your own body?

It's brilliant. Most artist's first model is themselves. Our body is our most accessible tool. If you can't do something right, do it yourself. Your body will always be available to you and will always have your consent. 

What is identity of self in the digital world?

In the digital world, I would say that identity of self can go to extremes. On the one hand, you can pretend to be someone you absolutely are not. On the other hand, you can choose to represent yourself as purely who you feel you are. The thing about digital expression is that it is an entirely different thing from expressing yourself with your voice and body. Both have their own limitations of course. But a huge roadblock for most people is their appearance. To a certain degree, people cannot change their bodies and appearances. I will always be short. Unless some cosmetic surgery comes into play, I will always have a pronounced cupid's bow.

How will you change this book?

I ripped it up. I took off the cover. I made origami from the pages. I cut out pages. I formed pages into other things. I coloured on it. I wrote in it. I used duct tape to wrap around pages and make shapes. I blacked out words. I glued in pictures. I folded pages.
How will this book change you? 

It changed how I felt about the book. I had a very positive view of the book after the project. I don't know if I want to keep the book or not. I feel it's a pretty good representation of who I am now that the project is over. I feel like it shows my transformation from who I am to who I want to be. I have made a lot of huge changes lately and I never thought I would be who I am today. But I like myself and I think past me would like me, too.

The cover. I took off the original sleeve. I decided not to deface the cover because by the end of the project, I didn't have the same resentment for the subject matter as I did going into it. At the beginning of the semester I had a lot of nerdy guys trying to get me to leave my long time lover. There was a lot of telling me things I already knew about him. A lot of trying to convince me I was being cheated on. A lot of telling me I liked him for dumb reasons. Basically a lot of TELLING ME how MY RELATIONSHIP was. I did eventually end up leaving my lover but not for any of those reasons. Things got serious, he got scared and ran away like he always does. And I can't take that anymore. Also, he's got a growing alcohol problem and I really don't want any part of that. I'm jumping ship before that becomes my problem, too. I added an origami viking hat because I like to compare myself to things like vikings. If I had to choose one feature that I like the most about myself, it's that I'm strong. Strong mentally. Strong emotionally. I am a strong person with a strong will. I won't let the world tear me down. I won't stop being invested in people just because I get hurt. I won't stop being a loving person just because the world is harsh. I'm too strong for that. And I owe it to myself to be the kind of person I want to be.

 This page was based on my scribble project. I showed a transformation from the dark top left side to the lighter (more positive) bottom right. There are also trees in the background to represent growth.

 This was to represent my egg project. Because I wanted to nurture the egg I decided to put a duct tape heart here (even though it's ugly), because I need to nurture myself and nurture my heart.

 This was to represent my rule breaking project. It has to do with breaking the rule that I can't become a goddess. I forgot to wear the shoes to class, dammit. I'll have to drop by some time with my shoes on (when it isn't so damn cold). This sis a wing that says "I am a self-made goddess." I really love this because I feel that people have no choice to create themselves. Whatever it is I am, I made myself this way. They said I could be whatever I wanted, so I became a goddess. As a goddess, I created myself. Not physically, but spiritually.

 This page was really hard to take a picture of, I'm sorry. But it just has the letters to spell out CONTROL. I was trying to look for the word "controller" in the book since it's a book about geek dating, but I couldn't find one ANYWHERE. He says "Player One" every two sentences but no "controller"? Whatever. I like that this is a black page with just the single word. I feel like it represents the single mindedness I have about control and the void represents the fear of what would happen if I were to lose control.

 This isn't about any of the projects necessarily. Well it is, sort of. But not about a project in this class. You know, I can feel how people look at me when I talk about doing art for school. How they see me drawing and slaving away over my computer and they don't see the stress. Well, they see that I am stressed, but they can't see what's stressful about it. All my friends have these huge final tests. I'd much rather have a TEST than a whole entire COMIC BOOK DUE! I mean, I wouldn't really. Because I am head over heels in love with my comic book and it is my comic baby and I worked so damn hard to make it what it is and it's glorious. But studying for something isn't at all the same as CREATING something. When you study, everything you need to pass is already there. When you create something, you HAVE to do work. ALL THE WORK. If I didn't study for my Javascript final (and I didn't) I still walk into my class and take the final (and get a C). I still get a grade above 0, just for answering a single question right. Whether I did anything for that final or not. But you can't walk into class with nothing when you have a project due. I'm tired of getting the "it's just art" looks. Tired of reading the "it's just art" statuses. Tired of being looked in the eyes and told about how hard my cousin's high school finals are while she's laying on my cough watching christmas movies and I'm sitting in the corner of the room surrounded by empty coke cans. Drinking coffee out of one of my two giant coffee mugs. Having gone to work at 4:30am and come home at 9:30am to start working on my "just art." Which I continued to work on all day long, non-stop. Meals went by while I sat in the corner feverishly working my hands to the bone, missing out on much needed sleep. And I get to hear about how it's just art. Thankfully, my parents don't feel that way. My friends know I work hard. And so do my professors. AND SO DO I. And that's what counts.

 This page represents my identity project. This is actually something I say pretty often and have for years. It started in my sophomore year of high school. One of our spirit days the freshmen and sophomores were supposed to dress up as ninjas and the juniors and seniors were supposed to dress up as pirates. Well, I freakin' dressed up as a pirate because pirates are bitchin'. And SO many people said to me, "Are you a junior?" or "I didn't know you were a junior!" And I replied, "No, I'm not a junior. I am a pirate every day. Today is no exception." And neither is today. I am a pirate all days. As for why I'm a pirate, it's because I have an amazing sense of adventure and fashion and because I say so. My love for pirates is a part of who I am and is shown in my large collection of skull glassware. It is a large part of my identity.

And lastly, this represents my flavor project. My flavor was savory. So I decided I wanted to savor a moment. This was senior prom (we got some semi-professional pictures done) with my recently ex-lover. We did a steampunk prom. We didn't have a great time at prom. We were actually fighting when these pictures were taken. But the journey of getting the clothing and the pay off of having these great pictures and having had people oggle our fantastic outfits was great. I loved my steampunk prom even though actually being at prom wasn't all that great. And I'm glad I shared it with Sean even though I'm mad at him. I want to savor this memory because it really speaks to who I am as a person and how I make goals and go out and achieve them.

This was a really great project and I'm happy to say I feel it appropriately demonstrates my transformation over the semester.

Fear Take Away 3

Mr. Death
He made a creepy video of bodies decaying. I kind of totally loved the song. This actually really helped me with my fear of death. I was scared of death for a very long time. I would pray every night that I'd get over it. But I couldn't find the missing piece. The thought that some day, I would just be gone like I'd never existed, scared me so much. I'd get a lump in my throat. I couldn't sleep. But thinking that one day, my body will be part of the earth. That really cheers me up. I love the earth. I would love for my body to nurture the earth the way she's always nurtured me. I consider myself Christian, and I have no qualms with the thought of a higher power, "God." But I am totally not cool with the thought of Hell. I don't believe my God would send anyone to eternal damnation. And regardless of what any book says, I won't believe in anything I don't agree with. And some people, some really evil people, I believe would rather live forever in damnation, than cease to exist. And I'd rather not give them that satisfaction. As far as Heaven goes, I just don't know. It's a grey area. How could I possibly know whether or not it exists. I've never come in contact with anything like it. But I think, if my body goes to the earth, I don't care if there's a Heaven. I can be happy and at peace.

Mr. Losing your friend
He drew a very moving picture of what it feels like to lose a friend. I feel that picture right now in my very soul and it feels awful. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to be scared of. I will heal. And he would heal, too. But I hope it never comes to that for him and that he always has his soul friend. And I hope when I come back out on the other side of this, I might have my soul friend back, too.

#4
Made a survey and was scared of judgement. I really don't know how much more I can say on judgement. People's opinions are just that. It's no big deal. There are a lot of stupid people in the world that will say stupid things. I say, use their opinions to improve. Or say "fuck it" and fuck their opinions and go be AWESOME BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT.

Mr. Bees
Made a picture about being attacked by bees. You know what, if I was attacked by 19 bees, I'd be scared of them, too. But since I haven't been, I'm not. I don't think I have anything I'd count as a phobia really. I can't imagine living with that over my head. Summer time is hard enough just hating the heat. Adding a bee phobia sounds awful. I'm not sure how people get over phobias, or if they ever really can. But I appreciate him opening up to us about it.

Ms. Pyramid
She made a pyramid representing how she feels with other people, versus how she feels alone. I was where she is right now not too long ago. It's my strong opinion that everyone goes through this sometime. Some time or another people realize that they're really always alone. Even when they're with other people. It's not fun. But I also think nearly everyone gets over it. You learn to live with yourself and appreciate yourself more. But when it gets bad, I don't sit around and take it anymore. I get up and leave the house. I go to the mall to be with people. I will drive an hour and a half just to see a friend, if I really need one. It's worth it. It's good for your soul.

Ms. Tapeworm
This was a perfect representation of a tapeworm. I knew exactly what it was, I absolutely loved it. I've never loved a tapeworm until now. She was worried about her apathy and how it effects her relationships with other people. I find this odd because my dad and my ex-boyfriend are both similar about social situations. They just sort of, feel out the vibe and respond accordingly. They don't go to people, they let people come to them. These kids of people are needed to balance out the seekers and the go-getters. Also, these kinds of people are treasured for being who they are. She is a treasure. She shouldn't worry about not feeling the same way other people do. Her feelings are totally justified. Own it.

Fear Take Away Day 2

Ms. Blank page
She wrote a poem and illustrations to go with the poem that broke out of the border representing the blank page. I definitely understand the fear of the blank page. It gets me all the time. I just stare at it like, "what do I do." I've tried all manner of defeating the blank page. Artists often tell me to draw every day. But some days I just stare at the page like, "whaaaa?" Like I'm not an artist and have no idea what I'm doing. For a while there, I only created art when I was feeling inspired. But inspiration has a small window in which to work. This definitely affects my creativity negatively. Lately I try looking through old poems and notes of mine for inspiration and go online to find prompts. I also go through old sketchbooks and find drawings I want to redo. It's hard, but it's getting me somewhere. Maybe one day, I will defeat the blank page. I hope she does, too.

Mr. Evil in video games
He was afraid of failure. So instead of worrying about it all the time. He decided to go to something selfish and just for him and be as evil as possible in video games. I couldn't do it. I straight up couldn't. It's not in me. I CANNOT be mean in video games. I feel bad when I kill deer. Video game deer. I don't even steal. Not at all. I mercy kill sometimes, but that's because I'm an Orc and I'm not gonna disrespect my character's cultural differences. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for him to do this. I wonder if it helped relieve stress. I think it would just stress me out more.

Mr. Book cover
Made an image with FAILURE all over it in big bold letters. It looked like a book cover. This was absolutely not a failure and I'm so sad that someone can think of themselves that way when they make such beautiful work. The design was brilliant. I think everyone gets down about themselves from time to time. We have a society that focuses on failures rather than successes. And as animals, that's how our brains work. We need to fight against that. Failure is just EXP, so you can go fight your next battle.

Mr. Labyrinth
He drew a really great representation of what it feels like to get lost. GPSs are evil. They're proof AI is trying to take over the world and destroy the humans. This is a very practical fear. I don't know how I'd get back if I got really and truly lost. Creatively speaking, I think his representation was great. I think he could draw on this in his story he's writing to give it more depth and reliability. For me, I think more than worrying about getting lost I would start thinking about what to do once I am lost. Once I am lost, I guess I would make sure to have a phone to call someone and let them know I'm lost and where roughly I am. If I don't have a phone, this gets really scary. But I need to find people with a phone and I need to ask for directions. It goes on. But generally, to relieve anxiety about certain situations, I plan for what will happen when I'm in them. Then I don't feel so worried anymore.

Mr. Landscape
He was scared of not being able to get the career he wanted. So he painted a landscape to help him relieve some of the stress. I think getting a career is something a lot of kids in college have never done, so we're all a little worried about it. It's weird and new. All we know is all the horror stories we've heard about NOT getting a job or LOSING a job. I think schools should stop trying to motivate kids to get successful careers with horror stories about what will happen if they don't. And start motivating them with stories from people who have made it and enjoy their lives. I love what I'm doing and it motivates me to keep trying no matter what. And creatively, that fuels me. I hope he can learn to see it in a more positive light. Stressing out does nothing for a good career.

Class Take Away Fear Day One

Ms. Slate

She drew a picture about losing sleep on her career goals. I think it's a pretty universal thing for people to be scared about their careers. Though to be honest with you, I feel less and less worried about it as I go on. I feel in my soul that if I didn't feel obligated to be the "bread winner" I would be a stay at home mom. That's my calling. I would love to be an influential figure in art. I do really want to become a concept designer. But staying at home with my kids and trying out lots of crafts and foods on pinterest would be way more fun. Sometimes I think people need to take a moment and think about life if money REALLY ABSOLUTELY was NOT a variable. Would you honestly have the job that you're going for? Is that REALLY what you want to do with your life? Because for me, as much as I love what I do and want to continue doing it, I can take it or leave it as long as I have my family. Perhaps that's not comforting to other people, but it's comforting to me.

Ms. Orca

Photoshopped her dreams. I love that she took a positive spin on her fear. Her fear is totally rational and one I've been stewing on a bit lately, myself. Since I feel strongly that my best friend may be depressed. I don't know what I can do for him and I'm so scared that I won't be able to do anything and he'll just get worse and worse while I sit by helplessly. But she's doing something. I've never even thought of art therapy in that way and I think it's amazing and innovative. I had a great dream the other day where I talked about eyelashes and food. I don't know how I can give Sean that same escape, but she's given me some hope to keep trying.

Ms. 3D Print

Made a 3D Print of a creature she designed at night. I think it's interesting that she talked about how her mood affects the way she views art. I definitely find myself turning toward certain genres when I'm in certain moods. Oddly enough, when I'm sad - like really soul crushingly sad - I watch/play/read horror. And maybe you'd think that was going from the frying pan into the fire, but horror for the most part is absolutely not the same thing as real life. It provides more than just an escape from my sadness, it's an escape from all this dimension's problems. Issues in most horror movies/video games/books are just NOT issues in real life. For instance in Sweet Home, the plot is a group of people trapped in a haunted house being terrorized by horrible creatures because of a ghost lady whose child died. In no way can I relate that to my problems. So in that way, I don't think about my problems. It keeps my head in the clouds and OFF the things bothering me.

Mr. Marine

Growing a flower to overcome his claustrophobia. I don't have much to say in the way of getting over his fear or even understanding where he's coming from. I actually really like tight spaces, they make me feel cozy. I've always wanted a little club house. I'd squeeze myself under the sink when we played hide and seek. So I guess what I really want to say is that I can't imagine giving up a whole career path like he did. And I actually find that a lot of people I know have done this and plenty of people more than once. Which I just can't even imagine. I find that a bit scary. I've sort of always known what I wanted to be. When I was 10, I told myself that if I wanted to become a great artist one day, I had to buckle down and start now. There was a brief period in high school where I thought I might do web design because art is hard and not a real job. But then I job shadowed a web designer and it was the most dreadfully boring thing I'd ever witnessed and it was absolutely not what I wanted to do with my life. Now that I've taken some classes, I think that I COULD do SOME web design, but it bores me beyond belief. I'm not bad, I just hate it a little bit. I value having those skills but I will never choose that career path. I'm sticking to my guns. I'm gonna make it in art or I'm gonna die trying.

Mr. No-Face

Made a poster for the future. It's funny to me that so many people are so scared of the future. Not funny haha, funny like totally disturbing. The future looks so bleak. And even I get that way from time to time, although I recognize that being defeatist about the future isn't solving any problems. I actually used to think that worrying about things would help me know what to do when the time came, but it doesn't. It just wastes time now. No one knows what the future will hold, and this is coming from someone with the name CASSANDRA. I'm not really a glass half full kind of person. But frankly speaking, I'm generally too busy drinking the water to be worrying about how much is in the cup. Worrying about the immediate future is fine because that's the sort of thing you can plan for. But worrying about what you're going to be doing in ten years isn't even worth your time. You can't possibly imagine what your life will be like in ten years. Ten years ago I thought at 20 that I would be almost out of college, working at a bookstore, and a virgin. Nnnnnope. But I don't regret any of that. I'm getting through college one way or another, the time frame doesn't really matter. I'm stocking at a grocery store and I love it. Some of the time. And no, I'm not a virgin, and I loved every single minute I spent with my partner and I would do it all again. You will make the big decisions when the big decisions come.

Ms. Naruto

She drew a picture about her fear of letting her family down. I suppose I'm not really all too worried about letting my family down. Even though I'm not a nurse like my mom or an IT guy like my dad, they support me. And I'm endlessly lucky to have that. In fact, my mom frequently discourages me from settling for "real jobs." She tells me she doesn't want me to feel comfortable settling. She doesn't want me to feel like I can't leave my job because it's a "real job" and it's "good enough." She wants me to put myself out there and give it my all to become what I want to be. And the rest of my family? Who cares. Sure my parents pressure me from time to time, because they're parents and that's what they do. But they have confidence in me and don't feel the need to baby sit me because of it. And that gives me confidence in myself.

Ms. Ninja Turtle

She drew two pictures about her fear of judgement. And they were wonderful pictures. As artists, we all feel the fear of judgment. People are so quick to give their two cents on art. People are total assholes about art, too. Some people go out of their way to be assholes about art. It's subjective so they can say whatever they want and get away with it. Until I threaten them and then they walk away muttering about the crazy little woman with the anger issues. What really matters in life is what you think about your artwork and what you think about yourself and your accomplishments. Now, when I say that, I don't want it to be taken as "it's just as easy as being happy with yourself and your work." That's not easy. That's hard. Believing in yourself is NOT easy. Humans crave approval from other humans. And I think part of my journey to self acceptance had a lot to do with looking around and realizing that people are absolutely terrible. I don't like them. I don't want to be like them. So why do I care what they think of me? I'm sad that the way I learned to love myself came after so much suffering at the hands of others. But there was one person who stuck by me the whole way. And he helped me to learn to love myself. And as much as I love him and actually care what he thinks of me, I have now reached the point where my opinion of myself matters more to me than his. There is no handbook on how to get to this place. And I haven't been here long. I can't say I won't get discouraged again. And I know from time to time I still have episodes of crippling self doubt. But the episodes pass and I get back on the wagon. I know if I can do it, so can others.

Mr. Beard

Drew a chart of his fears and how they all stemmed from fear of failure. I couldn't agree more that failure and success is a construct of your own mind. However, I don't believe that makes them any less real. The exciting thing about it is that because of that, you have control over WHAT qualifies as WHAT. Even a failure can be a success. I remember my boyfriend and I, when we were starting to get to know each other really well, we fought a lot. All the time even. He hated it, he won't talk about that time. As much as I hated fighting, I truly feel like we learned a lot from that time. We know what things will set us off now. And we know how to handle ourselves in a disagreement. I learned I'd rather be napping with my boyfriend than fighting with him about how he wants to stay up all night hanging out with his friends and then just wants to cuddle and sleep when I'm over. I have failed at a lot of things in my life. A lot. I like to draw in pen. And I have thrown out a lot of paper. I have thrown out a lot of artwork. I have hit a lot of flat notes and I have lost a lot of solos to other people. I have gotten plenty of Cs. I've quit jobs. But I'm still here and I think I'm on the path to success. Failure does not impede progress. Refusing to move forward for fear of failure does.

Relinquishing Control

My fear is: Relinquishing Control

Is the fear you identified for this project a fear, phobia, anxiety, or worry? Anxiety

In what ways do you notice fear in your life? Headaches, increased heart rate, frequent nervousness and worrying, distant relationships, decreased social activity, nausea

What does fear keep you from experiencing? I don't go to parties. I don't allow people to get close to me. I have difficulty relaxing.

What is the use of fear in your life? My fear of relinquishing control does help me in some ways. I am a self-starter. I live by the idea that if you want something done right, you do it yourself. I am independent. I plan and make responsible decisions.

How does fear affect your life, especially in terms of creativity? I feel like my fear helps me in terms of creative expression. Because of my inability to relax in conventional ways, I blow off steam by making art. Although I tend to be a bit of perfectionist about my work, I think the intense way that I go about creating my artwork is similar to screaming into a pillow or punching a punching bag. Afterwards, I feel much better and I have a work of art I can be proud of.

What form does your fear take? I am a control freak. I don't like to take down my walls and let people in. I don't like to show emotions I perceive as weakness (sadness or lovestruck). I don't like to move forward without a plan. I especially dislike it when plans come unhinged. I do everything I can to feel like I have control over my life. I like to get good grades, do well and work hard at my job, create finished art pieces, get christmas/birthday shopping done early, have a clean car/room (which I rarely do but I like to do), make my own food, etc.

How does making a creative project about your fear impact how you view it? I'd always known that I was a perfectionist about my artwork and that I used it as a way to blow off steam, but it hadn't occurred to me until I was making my project that I used my art as a way to give myself a feeling of control over my life.

 My project is an aluminum foil "cast" of my hand as a fist clenched around a scrapped piece of art. This is a depiction of my fear of relinquishing control. It illustrates how I use art to make myself feel like I have a grip on my life. Throwing away a scrapped piece of art is another way in which I have been taking control (lately) as it is a reflection of the way that I am currently weeding out my life of people that don't deserve to be a part of it.

11/18/14 Class Take Away

I'm trying to think of other fears that I'm more comfortable making a tangible representation of.

I'm heavily contemplating the fear of relinquishing control. I'm a control freak. I don't relax. Relaxing is not relaxing for me. In fact, sometimes very stressful things are therapeutic for me. But sometimes I think just learning to relax would be a good thing.

Learning to just... sunbathe. Or just sleep.

But any time I'm supposed to be relaxing, all I can think about are the things I'm supposed to be doing that I'm not.

I wonder why I'm so scared to just chill out.

But there are definitely some interesting things I could make with the idea.

Clenched fists.

Ripped out hair.

Crumpled up pieces of paper.

It's still a fear that really takes hold of my life, and it's a lot more approachable than my fear of losing a child.

11/11/14 Take Away

Can't say I'm looking forward to the fear assignment. Not that I guess I should be.
I don't really have difficulties talking about my fears. And very frankly, I know already what my worst fear is.
I'm absolutely terrified of losing a child.
But what really worries me is having to tangibly build something that represents that fear. I don't look forward to that at all.
My friend said to build a model of the baby from P.T. I'll spare you an image.
I have very strong mixed feelings about the baby from P.T. It's this deformed fetus in the sink that cries and cries.
I can't stand to look at it, it's so bothering. But when I hear it cry, I feel terrible. I want to save it, you know. But you can't do that. You can't save undead fetuses from video games.
Oddly enough, I'm known to do similar things in my dreams. In my dreams, I frequently save babies. Often when I'm terrified, myself. I once saved a mummy-baby in a dream while I was being chased by evil mummies. I didn't really hesitate, I just took the baby and ran. In another I saved a ghost toddler. What's even weirder about that was that it was a lucid dream. In the dream things were starting to get creepy. I was trying to get out of the room I was in as fast as I could and when I went to shut the door behind me, something was pushing back. I opened the door and a little ghost toddler came walking out. I picked her up. I was ready to take the ghost toddler and go. But then I said, "If I'm so scared, I should just wake up." So I did.
Some of my happiest dreams have been pregnancy dreams. Until I start to catch on to the fact that I'm not pregnant. Lately I end up thinking, "How did I get pregnant in the first place?" And then I realize I'm dreaming.
In real life I tend to stray away from taking care of other people's kids because I'm scared of getting too attached or doing something wrong. But I'd do anything for my siblings.
I know I'm baby-centric. And I think when I have my own children, that will work to my advantage. Unfortunately, until then, I'm caught between longing to have a baby of my own and being terrified beyond all reason to try. I don't know what I'd do if I lost a child.
I'd probably die. I'd want to.

My Identity and You

I decided to take the contour drawing done of me and hand it off to my family members. I thought about why I was here and I thought of two potential reasons. One, I am here because of my parents. They made me. So each of them gets a copy. And my purpose in life is to raise a family. I first came to that conclusions after my siblings were born and I realized that having a happy family of my own was my life goal. So both of my siblings got a copy.
As for who I am, I asked them to take the copy made in class and add to it so that it looked (in their opinion) more like me.
The original:

My Dad's version:

My Mom's version:

My Sister's version:

My Brother's version:

My version:

I thought it was funny how Lincoln and I were the ones that really used the original's parameters the most. It shows me that when I am told that someone sees me a certain way, in my mind that makes it true. It may not exactly be what I think of myself, but I still incorporate those opinions into the way I see myself. Now, though, I try to do so in a positive way.
My family, however, said, "No... That's not right." They drew right over anything they didn't think was correct. My family have strong opinions about who I am that will not be swayed.
Also, my little brother made me look a bit like a ventriloquist dummy, but he let me know the lines on my cheeks are supposed to be blush because I have rosy cheeks. Although I can't really tell, Lincoln let me know I was smiling in his picture. Sophie also has me smiling. I find it interesting that my siblings see me is a smiley, happy person since that's not really how most people think of me. Certainly a lot of people think I'm funny, but not really joyful. But it makes me happy to know my siblings view me that way because I love them very much and have a great time with them.

11/3/14 Take Away

It's funny that depression plays such a heavy role in the movie about the father's identity and the identity of those around him.
It's funny in a really not funny and incredibly relatable way. I do believe a lot of people have valleys where they feel depressed for a long time, even when they are not normally depressed people. I don't think depression is limited only to those with a chronic issue.
I remember when I was feeling depressed. It was a few years ago, but it really defined me as a person. It was right after high school and I'd lost all my friends. I barely had any friends that last semester of high school to begin with, but the few people I had left abandoned me after that. I slept all day, except to eat and go to work/school. That summer was awful, but even in my first semester of college, I didn't feel like I was doing much with my life. I think that's what makes a lot of people feel depressed. The lack of progress. I remember walking down the hallways of my grandma's apartment building (where I lived at the time) and seeing notes on people's doors. I wondered if any of those people died, how long it would be until someone noticed. I wondered, if I died, how long it would be until someone noticed. I wondered if I was already dead.
Eventually I picked up a second job. So then it was November and I was preparing for finals, working a 35/hr a week job, and an 18/hr a week job, during the holidays. I was so busy. I remember just doing homework, sleeping, eating, and working. I didn't have a single moment for myself. I ate at Jack in the Box a lot. I ate chicken flavor Cup Noodles at 2am on my night shift job. It was like this warm styrofoam cup of happiness in the midst of a cold, black, retail-y abyss. A little after Black Friday, after having two towers of boxes full of toys fall on me and having had a wooden easel dropped on the back of my head, I quit Toys R Us. I aced my finals. And I kept my job as a sample lady.
After all of that, I looked back and thought to myself, "I did it. I made it through that all on my own." I don't worry about other people so much anymore. I won't say I never worry about whether or not I'm going to stay friends with someone or what they think of me. But it's absolutely not a point of motivation for me. I create my own happiness, other people are welcome to share if they want.
Since then, I've gained a lot of confidence and done a lot of things for myself. I have the mentality now that if I want to feel like I'm doing something with my life, I have to get up and do something! Life isn't programmed. We aren't meant to follow specific rules, especially rules on how to live. I make the rules for my own life. Nothing is out of my reach if I have the drive to do it.
Which brings me to my next point.
My very best friend in the whole world. Sean.
He's been driving me crazy lately. Not that he doesn't always drive me crazy, but more so than usual.
The only thing stopping me from going totally ballistic on him is the thought that he is very possibly struggling with depression.
I do not condone his actions and I think no matter what, he's going about this the wrong way. But I can either choose to stand by my best friend of 7 years and put up with whatever bullshit he throws at me, just as he puts up with my bullshit (though, in my opinion, not nearly as much or as severe); or I can choose to walk away from someone I truly love, who could really need my help but not know how to say it.
Not long ago, he lost his close group of friends after breaking up with his girlfriend. I'm not a part of any of that and won't make a comment on whether or not he deserved it. But since then, he's been really hung up on it. He talks frequently about how he's not doing anything with his life.
Now he's shutting me out. It feels terrible, but I wonder if maybe I should just let him have his space. As much as I hate that he's treating me this way, when all I want to do is help. When he's my only friend around here, and he's putting me through exactly what he's going through without a second thought. As much as I hate that, because I hate that so much. Sean and I have been through a lot together. There's often a blurred line between us which makes it difficult when making decisions regarding the future of our friendship (or what I perceive it to be). But first and foremost he will always be my best friend. I imagine this will be nearly as formative for me as it is for him.
What really gets me is that he says he wants progress so badly and says he's lonely. But when I make suggestions about things he could change to make progress in his life, he poo poos them. Then he shuts me out, which is just the absolute worst.
I'm just holding out hope that sooner rather than later, he will see the same light I saw and cling to that comforting Cup Noodle long enough to make it through this and know that he has it in him to do anything he wants to do, if he just tries. I know it's a cliche, but it's a cliche for a good reason.
And I hope I have what it takes to stay by him during this time. I know it's selfish, but sometimes I wish he'd just cut it out.

Who Am I, Why Am I Here?

I am a girl. I am also a boy. And I am a man. I think of myself as simultaneously the most feminine woman and the manliest man to ever exist. When people talk about gender fluidity, I get it. I identify as female and I don't sway on that point in the least. However, I greatly value my masculinity. And I love that my best friend, Sean, does as well.
It bothers the guys at work so much when I call myself a man. Sometimes I'll stock one aisle before two guys get done stocking another and I'll flex and yell, "I AM THE MANLIEST MAN IN THE WORLD." (We work overnight, when the store is closed.) And Jon or Patrick will say, "You're not a man! You're a girl! You're so not a man at all!" And I'll say, "I'm more of a man than you." Because of this, Patrick likes to poke fun at me and say that I "must wear the pants in the relationship."
That's another strong point of identity, though. Being dominant or submissive. Now I feel like... there is no doubt that I have a very strong will. I can be intimidating. I can be difficult to work with. I'm high maintenance for sure. But I think of relationships as a partnership. I don't assume a dominant or submissive role in a relationship. And I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who felt like they could overrule my opinions or someone who felt like I should run the relationship myself.
I think of myself, first and foremost, as a future mother. I make all of my decisions based on the hope that I will one day raise a family. It's all I really want in life. Yes, I have personal aspirations. I want to be a concept artist. I want a big house with lots of room for me to do my art. I want a husband who loves me. But no matter what job I have or where I live or what kind of house I have or what kind of car I drive, I will always have my family.
Lately I've been trying to come up with a tattoo idea that represents me. And I'm currently playing with the idea of phoenix wings. Because I think of myself as someone who is strong, someone who perseveres, and someone who is loyal (see Fawks from Harry Potter). What is a better symbol of strength and perseverance than the phoenix?

 I'll let update you as the tattoo idea evolves.

This post may be a little all over the place

I had a really difficult time with this one. Mostly because I was in a pretty terrible place for the last couple of weeks and had a difficult time getting any enjoyment out of anything I loved doing.
But things got a little better and yesterday, I took some time for myself. I won't go into detail (mostly out of laziness). But mom said to include the pretzels. There were pretzels. Jalapeno pretzels and they were 500 calories and they were delicious.

I feel better when I get things done. That relaxes me. And I spent three hours getting something done that needed to be done.

5 Obstacles Stopping Me From Doing What I Want With My Altered Book:
1.) Trust. I don't feel like I can trust the people around me that I hold closest and that makes it difficult for me to explore my creative ideas, because I'm scared to share them.
2.) Talent. I worry I might not be good enough. I'm scared to put something down on paper because it's not as good as someone else's.
3.) Disorganized. I spend a lot of time I'd like to be devoting to creativity, worrying about other things. I need to sort out my thoughts so that I can access my creative side without having to trudge through all my family/relationship/work/whatever issues first.
4.) Inspiration. I often feel I lack inspiration which worries me because I feel like I draw a lot of inspiration from other things and I'd like to draw inspiration from myself.
5.) Limits. I limit myself a lot, even if I try not to. I don't write much anymore, I don't draw much anymore. I need to spend more time just being creative any way I can, and stop sitting around staring at the ceiling. Because thinking it is not the same as doing it.

1.) Trust
- What if I entrust something important to me to one of my friends I feel I have trouble trusting?
- What if I give it to that friend permanently?
- What if I do this with several friends?
2.) Talent
- What if I draw a picture every day until the end of the semester?
- What if I take the ones I like the least and redo them when the semester ends?
- What if I take the ones I like the before and afters and put them on my walls?
3.) Disorganized
- What if I get boxes and write how I feel about certain subjects and sort them into boxes?
- What if I used once piece from each box to inspire a creative project?
- What if, in the project, I had to physically use the original piece of writing?
4.) Inspiration
- What if I try drawing with my eyes closed?
- What if I do a series of self portraits with my eyes closed?
- What if I record myself singing and draw the sounds with my eyes closed?
5.) Limits
- What if I spend a week, not allowed to draw out my art and I have to use other ways to be creative?
- What if I had to use an etch-a-sketch for all my visual art?
- What if I recorded the sounds an etch-a-sketch makes and made music with it?

I definitely love the ideas from number 4.

Savory Chicharron

I had a Chicharron for the first time today. I was unaware of what it actually was until afterwards. It's a sort of pork rind. It was light and airy. It tasted somewhat like an onion ring... without the onion. Like a funyun done right. A funyun that doesn't totally tear up the inside of your mouth. It wasn't very crunchy. It was sort of cracker-like.

I felt the best way to describe it would be to say it is savory.

I thought about maybe making a food that smells savory, but that seems too literal. I couldn't think of any way to make something feel savory. And even if I could find something that felt savory (because I thought maybe velvet was sort of savory feeling), I wouldn't have much hand in making it. So I decided to make something that sounds savory.

I've never made music before, so it was a little scary and odd.

I wanted it to have deep tones but still be light. And it ends abruptly. Partially because I didn't know how to end the song, and partially because my food, just like the song, ended abruptly.

Proof I made the music myself.

MORE PROJECTS

I decided to take the word "more" and try out more things I've been meaning to and need to try out and get out of the way.
First things first I made a dress from bed sheets and hopefully it looks Greek enough for my shoes. Although I probably won't actually wear the dress to class and I will most likely go out and find something more "wearable" to wear with my shoes - I made a dress anyway. Because I could.

Afterwhich I decided to make some "poison" caramel apples. The first try didn't work out too well because I made the caramel myself and it got all hard and stuff. I decided that maybe I don't have that kind of time and energy so I went out and got some caramels from the store and coloured them with black food colouring. I don't have a picture of them but I can say that it was definitely an apple covered in black caramel. Basically it should have looked like this. I'll make them again and make sure to take a picture.

I am making a bento box for Sean for Thanksgiving this year because he always works on Thanksgiving and because he loves Asian food (and also for a good reason to use my bento box I bought a couple months ago). I made a diagram of what I will be putting in his bento box, as well as a list of all the ingredients I will need to purchase.

The bento consists of shrimp fried rice, a california roll, two salmon onigiri, and one or two (I haven't decided yet) shoyu eggs, the kind they put in authentic ramen. I am currently in the process of making sticky rice for the first time so I'll have to let you know how that goes in class. If I can't for whatever reason figure out how to make sticky rice, I can always get the microwavable stuff but I wanted it to be made from the heart. I have no idea where to find little shrimps for shrimp fried rice. If anyone has some advice, that'd be great. I know how to make sushi, I just don't want to go half way across the state to get some really good fresh fish, immediately make sushi with it in the car or something, and rush it over to sean's house before he leaves for work. I'm not sure what kind of dried seaweed I'll be using yet. The last kind I had I really didn't like so I'm gonna go buy up a few kinds and try them out. I did however make authentic ramen and some shoyu eggs to go in it the other day. What the shoyu eggs were supposed to look like.

What my shoyu eggs actually looked like.

They weren't very pretty but they WERE very TASTY. And the ramen turned out just like the authentic ramen Sean and I always get at Mitsuwa (an Asian grocery in Chicago).

Aside from my Asian cuisine endeavors, I started on some Slenderman shoes for my friend's birthday this week. Every new pair of shoes I make is an adventure for me. I haven't ever made two pairs of shoes that are alike and I rarely use pencil when I make shoes. I almost always start with pen, as I did with this pair. Not sure if I want to make the second shoe the same as the first for symmetry or not.

  And lastly I started on my Halloween costume. My sister (8 years old) and I are being Anna and Elsa from Frozen. I'm not a huge Frozen fan, but she is. And I thought it would be a lot of fun. Since I have red hair and she has blonde hair, I'm going to be Anna and she's going to be Elsa. What I have so far is just the raw ingredients.

I'm going to alter the shirt so that it... fits me. I'm going to cut the vest at an angle. And I'm basically going to paint the designs onto the vest and skirt. It's definitely not cosplay level costuming, but I never planned to take it to a convention anyway.
So in the past week I have tried out 6 things outside my comfort zone and I hope to take this momentum and run with it.

Class Take Away 9/29/14

I'm really tired and can't be bothered to think of a better title.
Last class was a lot of fun. It was really inspiring. But in a super vague way.
I know that as of this moment, based on last class, I want to go make myself a Gorgo dress.

I also want to do something with disco. Because I love disco. I love it so much. I have these wonderful platform heels. I have some high waisted jeans. Hell, I have a cool romper. But it's pinstripe. Pinstripe probably doesn't go with cow spots. I have a regular black romper, too. Hmm, decisions.
I'm super artsy right now. I have so many things I want to do.
I want to make Sean two shirts. One that says "Fuck it, Let's drink" with a random anchor on it. And another that says "POLITE AS FUCK." Neither of which will he ever be able to wear out in public.
I'm making him a bento box for thanksgiving and I have a ton of recipes I need to try out before then so I can work out the kinks. I need to get some pasta sheets and color them... I want to make something like this.

There will be onigiri, ramen eggs, shrimp fried rice, and sushi. I have to buy a few different seaweeds and try them out. They have different tastes, you know. It's all a lot of work.
My friend's birthday is coming up and I'm gonna make him some shoes. But I'm not sure what I'll put on them. I was thinking maybe Slenderman. I draw a mean Slenderman.
Right now it's feeling like the theme of my "MORE" project would be best catered to me making MORE AND MORE PROJECTS.
I went home and talked to mom and dad about how the broken rules projects went. It was at this point in time they came up with a MILLION broken rules ideas. I was like, "Where was this YESTERDAY when I needed it?"
So I'm feeling very artsy and ready to make things. I want to go to the store and get a bunch of ingredients and try out a bunch of recipes. I want to get blank shirts and make shirts. I want to get bedsheets and faux leather and make a dress. I want to draw on shoes. I want to get more shoes and draw on more shoes just for the hell of it.
But I'm hella tired.
Also, it's my brother's birthday. So I really should be going to Chuck E. Cheese's soon. And I have SO MUCH to do for Sequential Narrative. Not because it's required but because I want to do it right.
I want to sit down and make a nice outline of my comic. A comic, I think you'd love by the way.
Quick summary as told by my friend: "A fresh new look into social norms and exciting adventures among rival bands, scurrying hedgehogs, and the romantic comedy of neurosis."
Not to mention I left school yesterday singing opera. Like, so much opera. I had almost forgotten how much I loved Beehtoven's Mount of Olives Hallelujah.

Anyway, I guess I'm rambling a lot in this one. The main thing I took away from class is a lot of random inspiration. A very vague sense of inspiration, that appears to have leaked into every one of my creative facets. How odd.
I'd better get to work on that while I still have the motivation.

Breaking My Own Rules

When I first thought about the assignment, I was pretty certain I was going to have to break the rules by not breaking the rules. Because I actually break rules quite a bit, which I didn't realize until I went to actively do it.
I break fashion rules all the time. I dress however I please. My friend once said, "Sometimes you're super girly and you wear fancy dresses and high heels for no reason, and then other days you show up looking like a boy." I like Tripp pants, fancy dresses, high waisted shorts, polka dots, and pirates. I used to wear these kitty ears to school and one year, for what seems to be for the sole reason of crushing my spirit, they told me I wasn't allowed to wear them anymore. I was publicly humiliated through email by one of the teachers who sent an email to all the other teachers. All day I had to hear about "the kitty ears girl." So, I did my self portrait of me with my kitty ears on and that picture was hung up in the hallway for months.
I break art rules a lot, too. It doesn't make any sense to me that art should even have rules. I oil paint with my fingers. I sit cross legged on my desk when I paint. I eyeball proportions instead of measuring them. I wipe my paintbrushes off on my jeans. I once "painted" with make up. Didn't turn out well, but I tried it. I really like to draw on paper bags. And shoes. They have a good texture. Hell, I painted anchors right on my shorts cuz I wanted anchors on my shorts.
I have kind of a "I do what I want" attitude about a lot of things, so I was hard pressed to find a rule I could break that wouldn't get me locked up in jail or kicked out of the house or fired from my job.
That's when I found these glorious heels. So beautiful. I was like, "I would be a greek goddess in these heels."

And my mom said, "No, you wouldn't. Contrary to popular belief, you can not be whatever you want to be."
And my dad replied, "That is the worst thing you've ever said. You can't tell someone they can't be whatever they want to be."
So I said, "I'll break THAT rule! I WILL be whatever I want to be! And I will buy these shoes and become a greek goddess!"
Also, I have my own rule that is to have $100 left of my paycheck after I buy necessities right after i get paid. After this purchase I'll only have $75. I get a little up tight about budgeting. As it happens, I don't have a lot of bills and really don't need the extra money. But it's a rule I set for myself because I am incredibly high strung, especially about money management. So, I went ahead and broke one of my own rules at the same time.
On the one hand, I AM GOING TO BE A GREEK GODDESS. THIS IS AMAZING. I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THESE SHOES GET HERE. SEAN (Also a greek god in his own right) AND I CAN GO BLESSING PEOPLE AND WHATNOT.
On the other hand, I only have $75 left for the next two weeks. $75 and so many other things I want or need. I need to get Q-tips. And some more soda. I have expensive taste in soda. And most things. Thankfully, I only really do frivolous things with Sean, who pays for almost everything when we hang out. I feel bad, I'm an expensive date.
I'm getting off track.
The point is, I broke my own rule. And in a way, it's thrilling. And also terrifying. We'll see when the shoes arrive if it was worth it.

Trash into Treasure

I thought it was funny how we mentioned that some people took a violent, angry approach to the altered book and others took a more peaceful approach.
I definitely took a much more peaceful approach. I figure, we're supposed to be turning it into something positive, not into more negativity. I definitely know what it's like to rage and get all my anger out. I know what it's like to do somewhat irrational things to work out my anger. But this book project will be with me for the semester and I don't have any interest in getting that worked up and angry every time I go to work on it.
I want to be able to look at the end product and not have to worry about what the original book meant to me. I want it to be something new that I can be proud of and show off to people.
I'm still not sure exactly what I want to do with the book.
My favourite idea so far is having my friends write positive things in it because I've found that can be very powerful. Yes, I've done a lot in recent years to learn to love myself and I do finally feel like I care more about what I think of myself than I do about what other people think of me. But when I get really down on myself, sometimes it takes encouraging words from someone else to get me to see the light.
And it's encouraging words from a friend that helped me to learn to value myself in the first place.
From there... I sort of used the "fake it till you make it" approach. Talk myself up like I'm amazing until I really start to believe it. And after all this time, I'm starting to believe it.
I can look back at where I've come from and what I've done and be impressed with myself.
I want to have that same journey with this book. Where when I look back on it, I don't see the sadness in the beginning, but the hope in the journey.

50 What Ifs...

1.) What if I take the pages and make an origami sculpture out of them?
2.) What if I paint all over the pages?
3.) What if I fill the book with pictures of things that make me happy?
4.) What if I cut up the pages and make a new book from the old words?
5.) What if I give the book to my siblings (5 and 8) and let them alter it before I do?
6.) What if I rip out the pages and make a paper mache sculpture out of them?
7.) What if I take a sharpie and black out every word that upsets me?
8.) What if I cut up/paint the pages and make it into a pop up book?
9.) What if I make the pages into paper dolls?
10.) What if I wrap the pages around wire and make it into a doll?
11.) What if I burn the book and make sand art with the ashes?
12.) What if I turn the pages into a paper mache mask?
13.) What if I fashion the pages into puppets?
14.) What if I carve out the inside of the book and make it into a chest?
15.) What if I painted each page white and wrote a new book?
16.) What if I made a hat from the pages?
17.) What if I took the pages and made a smaller book and gave it to a 3D printed sculpture of who the book is for?
18.) What if I made colorful pinwheels from the pages?
19.) What if I made a large mat from the pages for me to paint over?
20.) What if I glued the pages together to make a thick board to paint on?
21.) What if I made a bunch of little rings from the pages to represent the things that make me happy?
22.) What if I shared the book with my best friend and we took turns writing annotations in the book?
23.) What if I fashioned a headband with kitty ears out of the pages?
24.) What if I made claws out of the pages to fight away the bad vibes?
25.) What if I made a dollhouse out of the pages for my sister?
26.) What if I made doll clothes for my sister? (from the pages)
27.) What if, every time I had a terrible day, I rip a page out of the book and write about my day in big bold letters and then crumple it up and put it in a glass jar?
28.) What if I used the pages to made linocut prints?
29.) What if I used the pages to make gift card holders for my cousins' Christmas gifts?
30.) What if I used the margins of the pages to make a flip book of my weight loss journey?
31.) What if I constructed wearable wings out of the pages?
32.) What if I made envelopes out of the pages and sent my friends positive thoughts every two weeks?
33.) What if I made the pages into a full dress?
34.) What if I used the book to press flowers, leaves, and other flat objects that I love?
35.) What if I hid the book near the creek by my house and went to check on it every other day to see how nature has changed it?
36.) What if I took a mirror and covered it with the pages and painted what I see when I look in the mirror?
37.) What if I made a sculpture of a flower and write encouraging quotes on each petal and rip off a petal and read it whenever I start to feel discouraged?
38.) What if I pass the book around to all my closest friends and assign them each a page to show how they feel about me and use the last two pages to show how I feel about myself and to reflect on what my friends think of me?
39.) What if I use the pages to make a Viking Hat for my stuffed tiger that has been sitting at the foot of my bed since I was 6?
40.) What if I went through the book and highlighted all the words that begin with 'B' with a green highlighter?
41.) What if, whenever I have a bad day, I take a hammer and bludgeon the book?
42.) What if I turn the book inside out and make a counter book on the other side of the cover?
43.) What if I cut the pages so that a giant octopus is coming out of the book when you open it?
44.) What if I make the book into a picture frame and put my favourite picture in it?
45.) What if I rip out the pages and make them into Christmas ornaments?
46.) What if I use the paper to make paper mache replacement limbs for my broken toys?
47.) What if I use the pages to make a "rainmaker?"
48.) What if I made a dreamcatcher from my book pages?
49.) What if I made the pages into a big bow for my hair?
50.) What if I made the pages into a wearable corset?

I'm Not A Relaxing Person

When we were discussing what our doodles said about how we used our brains and our creative process, I felt very strongly that the process I went through while "doodling" was very much like how I think. It was very meticulous. When I think, I go over every nook and cranny of options available to me. I used to say that if I thought long enough, I could figure out a solution to any problem. Eventually, I would think of it, as long as I kept thinking. But this can also be very stressful. I often have to back track and explore options I don't like much. I do take time to just sit and think pretty often. In fact, I spend my whole work day thinking on my various issues that need to be resolved.
With my anti-gravity drawing, I just did scribbles and then continually refined them. But in high school, I used to whip out pictures and practice realism. I would become totally engulfed in my art and whatever I was thinking about. I would get frustrated and make faces and make noises. People would sometimes see me doing this and say, "it's okay, it's just a drawing, it doesn't have to be perfect." But what's funny is I really enjoyed this process. I enjoyed getting frustrated about my realism and stressing out over it. It was a good way of working through the emotions I was already feeling, but taking them out on something where it wouldn't matter what happened in the end. It was very cathartic for me. And sometimes at the end of the process, I would have a beautiful piece of realism. If not, then I know I got in some practice.
I know a lot of people wouldn't say they enjoy stressing out about things, and I'm not sure I'd say I necessarily enjoy it either. But I know that I am a control freak and I need exercises that make me feel like I'm in control. I know that when I think about something, I need something to work out my anger, because I have a lot of pent up anxiety that can block me mentally if I don't get it out one way or another.
Conversely, I find it difficult to enjoy seemingly relaxing activities. I often tell people that I'm not fun and that I don't enjoy fun things. The only one who takes it to heart is Sean, who appears to understand (at this point) what I mean by that. I don't like to watch movies. I know you're listening to a story, but in the end you've really just sat there for three hours doing nothing with your life. When I do watch a movie, I have to be a part of it. I have to talk through the movie about it or other things. When I read, I put the book down every few pages to sit and think about things. Even when I'm watching TV shows and Let's Plays on Youtube, I'm usually doing something else at the same time. I get bored easily and hate to feel unproductive.
So letting my mind wander and doing something random isn't really something I'm used to. Nor is it at all how I think. My mind may appear to jump from topic to topic when I speak, but everything connects. Because of this, I feel I often have a difficult time thinking of concepts outside my comfort zone without some outside help or without sudden inspiration.