When we were discussing what our doodles said about how we used our brains and our creative process, I felt very strongly that the process I went through while "doodling" was very much like how I think. It was very meticulous. When I think, I go over every nook and cranny of options available to me. I used to say that if I thought long enough, I could figure out a solution to any problem. Eventually, I would think of it, as long as I kept thinking. But this can also be very stressful. I often have to back track and explore options I don't like much. I do take time to just sit and think pretty often. In fact, I spend my whole work day thinking on my various issues that need to be resolved.
With my anti-gravity drawing, I just did scribbles and then continually refined them. But in high school, I used to whip out pictures and practice realism. I would become totally engulfed in my art and whatever I was thinking about. I would get frustrated and make faces and make noises. People would sometimes see me doing this and say, "it's okay, it's just a drawing, it doesn't have to be perfect." But what's funny is I really enjoyed this process. I enjoyed getting frustrated about my realism and stressing out over it. It was a good way of working through the emotions I was already feeling, but taking them out on something where it wouldn't matter what happened in the end. It was very cathartic for me. And sometimes at the end of the process, I would have a beautiful piece of realism. If not, then I know I got in some practice.
I know a lot of people wouldn't say they enjoy stressing out about things, and I'm not sure I'd say I necessarily enjoy it either. But I know that I am a control freak and I need exercises that make me feel like I'm in control. I know that when I think about something, I need something to work out my anger, because I have a lot of pent up anxiety that can block me mentally if I don't get it out one way or another.
Conversely, I find it difficult to enjoy seemingly relaxing activities. I often tell people that I'm not fun and that I don't enjoy fun things. The only one who takes it to heart is Sean, who appears to understand (at this point) what I mean by that. I don't like to watch movies. I know you're listening to a story, but in the end you've really just sat there for three hours doing nothing with your life. When I do watch a movie, I have to be a part of it. I have to talk through the movie about it or other things. When I read, I put the book down every few pages to sit and think about things. Even when I'm watching TV shows and Let's Plays on Youtube, I'm usually doing something else at the same time. I get bored easily and hate to feel unproductive.
So letting my mind wander and doing something random isn't really something I'm used to. Nor is it at all how I think. My mind may appear to jump from topic to topic when I speak, but everything connects. Because of this, I feel I often have a difficult time thinking of concepts outside my comfort zone without some outside help or without sudden inspiration.
No comments:
Post a Comment