Class Take Away Fear Day One

Ms. Slate

She drew a picture about losing sleep on her career goals. I think it's a pretty universal thing for people to be scared about their careers. Though to be honest with you, I feel less and less worried about it as I go on. I feel in my soul that if I didn't feel obligated to be the "bread winner" I would be a stay at home mom. That's my calling. I would love to be an influential figure in art. I do really want to become a concept designer. But staying at home with my kids and trying out lots of crafts and foods on pinterest would be way more fun. Sometimes I think people need to take a moment and think about life if money REALLY ABSOLUTELY was NOT a variable. Would you honestly have the job that you're going for? Is that REALLY what you want to do with your life? Because for me, as much as I love what I do and want to continue doing it, I can take it or leave it as long as I have my family. Perhaps that's not comforting to other people, but it's comforting to me.

Ms. Orca

Photoshopped her dreams. I love that she took a positive spin on her fear. Her fear is totally rational and one I've been stewing on a bit lately, myself. Since I feel strongly that my best friend may be depressed. I don't know what I can do for him and I'm so scared that I won't be able to do anything and he'll just get worse and worse while I sit by helplessly. But she's doing something. I've never even thought of art therapy in that way and I think it's amazing and innovative. I had a great dream the other day where I talked about eyelashes and food. I don't know how I can give Sean that same escape, but she's given me some hope to keep trying.

Ms. 3D Print

Made a 3D Print of a creature she designed at night. I think it's interesting that she talked about how her mood affects the way she views art. I definitely find myself turning toward certain genres when I'm in certain moods. Oddly enough, when I'm sad - like really soul crushingly sad - I watch/play/read horror. And maybe you'd think that was going from the frying pan into the fire, but horror for the most part is absolutely not the same thing as real life. It provides more than just an escape from my sadness, it's an escape from all this dimension's problems. Issues in most horror movies/video games/books are just NOT issues in real life. For instance in Sweet Home, the plot is a group of people trapped in a haunted house being terrorized by horrible creatures because of a ghost lady whose child died. In no way can I relate that to my problems. So in that way, I don't think about my problems. It keeps my head in the clouds and OFF the things bothering me.

Mr. Marine

Growing a flower to overcome his claustrophobia. I don't have much to say in the way of getting over his fear or even understanding where he's coming from. I actually really like tight spaces, they make me feel cozy. I've always wanted a little club house. I'd squeeze myself under the sink when we played hide and seek. So I guess what I really want to say is that I can't imagine giving up a whole career path like he did. And I actually find that a lot of people I know have done this and plenty of people more than once. Which I just can't even imagine. I find that a bit scary. I've sort of always known what I wanted to be. When I was 10, I told myself that if I wanted to become a great artist one day, I had to buckle down and start now. There was a brief period in high school where I thought I might do web design because art is hard and not a real job. But then I job shadowed a web designer and it was the most dreadfully boring thing I'd ever witnessed and it was absolutely not what I wanted to do with my life. Now that I've taken some classes, I think that I COULD do SOME web design, but it bores me beyond belief. I'm not bad, I just hate it a little bit. I value having those skills but I will never choose that career path. I'm sticking to my guns. I'm gonna make it in art or I'm gonna die trying.

Mr. No-Face

Made a poster for the future. It's funny to me that so many people are so scared of the future. Not funny haha, funny like totally disturbing. The future looks so bleak. And even I get that way from time to time, although I recognize that being defeatist about the future isn't solving any problems. I actually used to think that worrying about things would help me know what to do when the time came, but it doesn't. It just wastes time now. No one knows what the future will hold, and this is coming from someone with the name CASSANDRA. I'm not really a glass half full kind of person. But frankly speaking, I'm generally too busy drinking the water to be worrying about how much is in the cup. Worrying about the immediate future is fine because that's the sort of thing you can plan for. But worrying about what you're going to be doing in ten years isn't even worth your time. You can't possibly imagine what your life will be like in ten years. Ten years ago I thought at 20 that I would be almost out of college, working at a bookstore, and a virgin. Nnnnnope. But I don't regret any of that. I'm getting through college one way or another, the time frame doesn't really matter. I'm stocking at a grocery store and I love it. Some of the time. And no, I'm not a virgin, and I loved every single minute I spent with my partner and I would do it all again. You will make the big decisions when the big decisions come.

Ms. Naruto

She drew a picture about her fear of letting her family down. I suppose I'm not really all too worried about letting my family down. Even though I'm not a nurse like my mom or an IT guy like my dad, they support me. And I'm endlessly lucky to have that. In fact, my mom frequently discourages me from settling for "real jobs." She tells me she doesn't want me to feel comfortable settling. She doesn't want me to feel like I can't leave my job because it's a "real job" and it's "good enough." She wants me to put myself out there and give it my all to become what I want to be. And the rest of my family? Who cares. Sure my parents pressure me from time to time, because they're parents and that's what they do. But they have confidence in me and don't feel the need to baby sit me because of it. And that gives me confidence in myself.

Ms. Ninja Turtle

She drew two pictures about her fear of judgement. And they were wonderful pictures. As artists, we all feel the fear of judgment. People are so quick to give their two cents on art. People are total assholes about art, too. Some people go out of their way to be assholes about art. It's subjective so they can say whatever they want and get away with it. Until I threaten them and then they walk away muttering about the crazy little woman with the anger issues. What really matters in life is what you think about your artwork and what you think about yourself and your accomplishments. Now, when I say that, I don't want it to be taken as "it's just as easy as being happy with yourself and your work." That's not easy. That's hard. Believing in yourself is NOT easy. Humans crave approval from other humans. And I think part of my journey to self acceptance had a lot to do with looking around and realizing that people are absolutely terrible. I don't like them. I don't want to be like them. So why do I care what they think of me? I'm sad that the way I learned to love myself came after so much suffering at the hands of others. But there was one person who stuck by me the whole way. And he helped me to learn to love myself. And as much as I love him and actually care what he thinks of me, I have now reached the point where my opinion of myself matters more to me than his. There is no handbook on how to get to this place. And I haven't been here long. I can't say I won't get discouraged again. And I know from time to time I still have episodes of crippling self doubt. But the episodes pass and I get back on the wagon. I know if I can do it, so can others.

Mr. Beard

Drew a chart of his fears and how they all stemmed from fear of failure. I couldn't agree more that failure and success is a construct of your own mind. However, I don't believe that makes them any less real. The exciting thing about it is that because of that, you have control over WHAT qualifies as WHAT. Even a failure can be a success. I remember my boyfriend and I, when we were starting to get to know each other really well, we fought a lot. All the time even. He hated it, he won't talk about that time. As much as I hated fighting, I truly feel like we learned a lot from that time. We know what things will set us off now. And we know how to handle ourselves in a disagreement. I learned I'd rather be napping with my boyfriend than fighting with him about how he wants to stay up all night hanging out with his friends and then just wants to cuddle and sleep when I'm over. I have failed at a lot of things in my life. A lot. I like to draw in pen. And I have thrown out a lot of paper. I have thrown out a lot of artwork. I have hit a lot of flat notes and I have lost a lot of solos to other people. I have gotten plenty of Cs. I've quit jobs. But I'm still here and I think I'm on the path to success. Failure does not impede progress. Refusing to move forward for fear of failure does.

Relinquishing Control

My fear is: Relinquishing Control

Is the fear you identified for this project a fear, phobia, anxiety, or worry? Anxiety

In what ways do you notice fear in your life? Headaches, increased heart rate, frequent nervousness and worrying, distant relationships, decreased social activity, nausea

What does fear keep you from experiencing? I don't go to parties. I don't allow people to get close to me. I have difficulty relaxing.

What is the use of fear in your life? My fear of relinquishing control does help me in some ways. I am a self-starter. I live by the idea that if you want something done right, you do it yourself. I am independent. I plan and make responsible decisions.

How does fear affect your life, especially in terms of creativity? I feel like my fear helps me in terms of creative expression. Because of my inability to relax in conventional ways, I blow off steam by making art. Although I tend to be a bit of perfectionist about my work, I think the intense way that I go about creating my artwork is similar to screaming into a pillow or punching a punching bag. Afterwards, I feel much better and I have a work of art I can be proud of.

What form does your fear take? I am a control freak. I don't like to take down my walls and let people in. I don't like to show emotions I perceive as weakness (sadness or lovestruck). I don't like to move forward without a plan. I especially dislike it when plans come unhinged. I do everything I can to feel like I have control over my life. I like to get good grades, do well and work hard at my job, create finished art pieces, get christmas/birthday shopping done early, have a clean car/room (which I rarely do but I like to do), make my own food, etc.

How does making a creative project about your fear impact how you view it? I'd always known that I was a perfectionist about my artwork and that I used it as a way to blow off steam, but it hadn't occurred to me until I was making my project that I used my art as a way to give myself a feeling of control over my life.

 My project is an aluminum foil "cast" of my hand as a fist clenched around a scrapped piece of art. This is a depiction of my fear of relinquishing control. It illustrates how I use art to make myself feel like I have a grip on my life. Throwing away a scrapped piece of art is another way in which I have been taking control (lately) as it is a reflection of the way that I am currently weeding out my life of people that don't deserve to be a part of it.

11/18/14 Class Take Away

I'm trying to think of other fears that I'm more comfortable making a tangible representation of.

I'm heavily contemplating the fear of relinquishing control. I'm a control freak. I don't relax. Relaxing is not relaxing for me. In fact, sometimes very stressful things are therapeutic for me. But sometimes I think just learning to relax would be a good thing.

Learning to just... sunbathe. Or just sleep.

But any time I'm supposed to be relaxing, all I can think about are the things I'm supposed to be doing that I'm not.

I wonder why I'm so scared to just chill out.

But there are definitely some interesting things I could make with the idea.

Clenched fists.

Ripped out hair.

Crumpled up pieces of paper.

It's still a fear that really takes hold of my life, and it's a lot more approachable than my fear of losing a child.

11/11/14 Take Away

Can't say I'm looking forward to the fear assignment. Not that I guess I should be.
I don't really have difficulties talking about my fears. And very frankly, I know already what my worst fear is.
I'm absolutely terrified of losing a child.
But what really worries me is having to tangibly build something that represents that fear. I don't look forward to that at all.
My friend said to build a model of the baby from P.T. I'll spare you an image.
I have very strong mixed feelings about the baby from P.T. It's this deformed fetus in the sink that cries and cries.
I can't stand to look at it, it's so bothering. But when I hear it cry, I feel terrible. I want to save it, you know. But you can't do that. You can't save undead fetuses from video games.
Oddly enough, I'm known to do similar things in my dreams. In my dreams, I frequently save babies. Often when I'm terrified, myself. I once saved a mummy-baby in a dream while I was being chased by evil mummies. I didn't really hesitate, I just took the baby and ran. In another I saved a ghost toddler. What's even weirder about that was that it was a lucid dream. In the dream things were starting to get creepy. I was trying to get out of the room I was in as fast as I could and when I went to shut the door behind me, something was pushing back. I opened the door and a little ghost toddler came walking out. I picked her up. I was ready to take the ghost toddler and go. But then I said, "If I'm so scared, I should just wake up." So I did.
Some of my happiest dreams have been pregnancy dreams. Until I start to catch on to the fact that I'm not pregnant. Lately I end up thinking, "How did I get pregnant in the first place?" And then I realize I'm dreaming.
In real life I tend to stray away from taking care of other people's kids because I'm scared of getting too attached or doing something wrong. But I'd do anything for my siblings.
I know I'm baby-centric. And I think when I have my own children, that will work to my advantage. Unfortunately, until then, I'm caught between longing to have a baby of my own and being terrified beyond all reason to try. I don't know what I'd do if I lost a child.
I'd probably die. I'd want to.

My Identity and You

I decided to take the contour drawing done of me and hand it off to my family members. I thought about why I was here and I thought of two potential reasons. One, I am here because of my parents. They made me. So each of them gets a copy. And my purpose in life is to raise a family. I first came to that conclusions after my siblings were born and I realized that having a happy family of my own was my life goal. So both of my siblings got a copy.
As for who I am, I asked them to take the copy made in class and add to it so that it looked (in their opinion) more like me.
The original:

My Dad's version:

My Mom's version:

My Sister's version:

My Brother's version:

My version:

I thought it was funny how Lincoln and I were the ones that really used the original's parameters the most. It shows me that when I am told that someone sees me a certain way, in my mind that makes it true. It may not exactly be what I think of myself, but I still incorporate those opinions into the way I see myself. Now, though, I try to do so in a positive way.
My family, however, said, "No... That's not right." They drew right over anything they didn't think was correct. My family have strong opinions about who I am that will not be swayed.
Also, my little brother made me look a bit like a ventriloquist dummy, but he let me know the lines on my cheeks are supposed to be blush because I have rosy cheeks. Although I can't really tell, Lincoln let me know I was smiling in his picture. Sophie also has me smiling. I find it interesting that my siblings see me is a smiley, happy person since that's not really how most people think of me. Certainly a lot of people think I'm funny, but not really joyful. But it makes me happy to know my siblings view me that way because I love them very much and have a great time with them.

11/3/14 Take Away

It's funny that depression plays such a heavy role in the movie about the father's identity and the identity of those around him.
It's funny in a really not funny and incredibly relatable way. I do believe a lot of people have valleys where they feel depressed for a long time, even when they are not normally depressed people. I don't think depression is limited only to those with a chronic issue.
I remember when I was feeling depressed. It was a few years ago, but it really defined me as a person. It was right after high school and I'd lost all my friends. I barely had any friends that last semester of high school to begin with, but the few people I had left abandoned me after that. I slept all day, except to eat and go to work/school. That summer was awful, but even in my first semester of college, I didn't feel like I was doing much with my life. I think that's what makes a lot of people feel depressed. The lack of progress. I remember walking down the hallways of my grandma's apartment building (where I lived at the time) and seeing notes on people's doors. I wondered if any of those people died, how long it would be until someone noticed. I wondered, if I died, how long it would be until someone noticed. I wondered if I was already dead.
Eventually I picked up a second job. So then it was November and I was preparing for finals, working a 35/hr a week job, and an 18/hr a week job, during the holidays. I was so busy. I remember just doing homework, sleeping, eating, and working. I didn't have a single moment for myself. I ate at Jack in the Box a lot. I ate chicken flavor Cup Noodles at 2am on my night shift job. It was like this warm styrofoam cup of happiness in the midst of a cold, black, retail-y abyss. A little after Black Friday, after having two towers of boxes full of toys fall on me and having had a wooden easel dropped on the back of my head, I quit Toys R Us. I aced my finals. And I kept my job as a sample lady.
After all of that, I looked back and thought to myself, "I did it. I made it through that all on my own." I don't worry about other people so much anymore. I won't say I never worry about whether or not I'm going to stay friends with someone or what they think of me. But it's absolutely not a point of motivation for me. I create my own happiness, other people are welcome to share if they want.
Since then, I've gained a lot of confidence and done a lot of things for myself. I have the mentality now that if I want to feel like I'm doing something with my life, I have to get up and do something! Life isn't programmed. We aren't meant to follow specific rules, especially rules on how to live. I make the rules for my own life. Nothing is out of my reach if I have the drive to do it.
Which brings me to my next point.
My very best friend in the whole world. Sean.
He's been driving me crazy lately. Not that he doesn't always drive me crazy, but more so than usual.
The only thing stopping me from going totally ballistic on him is the thought that he is very possibly struggling with depression.
I do not condone his actions and I think no matter what, he's going about this the wrong way. But I can either choose to stand by my best friend of 7 years and put up with whatever bullshit he throws at me, just as he puts up with my bullshit (though, in my opinion, not nearly as much or as severe); or I can choose to walk away from someone I truly love, who could really need my help but not know how to say it.
Not long ago, he lost his close group of friends after breaking up with his girlfriend. I'm not a part of any of that and won't make a comment on whether or not he deserved it. But since then, he's been really hung up on it. He talks frequently about how he's not doing anything with his life.
Now he's shutting me out. It feels terrible, but I wonder if maybe I should just let him have his space. As much as I hate that he's treating me this way, when all I want to do is help. When he's my only friend around here, and he's putting me through exactly what he's going through without a second thought. As much as I hate that, because I hate that so much. Sean and I have been through a lot together. There's often a blurred line between us which makes it difficult when making decisions regarding the future of our friendship (or what I perceive it to be). But first and foremost he will always be my best friend. I imagine this will be nearly as formative for me as it is for him.
What really gets me is that he says he wants progress so badly and says he's lonely. But when I make suggestions about things he could change to make progress in his life, he poo poos them. Then he shuts me out, which is just the absolute worst.
I'm just holding out hope that sooner rather than later, he will see the same light I saw and cling to that comforting Cup Noodle long enough to make it through this and know that he has it in him to do anything he wants to do, if he just tries. I know it's a cliche, but it's a cliche for a good reason.
And I hope I have what it takes to stay by him during this time. I know it's selfish, but sometimes I wish he'd just cut it out.