It's funny that depression plays such a heavy role in the movie about the father's identity and the identity of those around him.
It's funny in a really not funny and incredibly relatable way. I do believe a lot of people have valleys where they feel depressed for a long time, even when they are not normally depressed people. I don't think depression is limited only to those with a chronic issue.
I remember when I was feeling depressed. It was a few years ago, but it really defined me as a person. It was right after high school and I'd lost all my friends. I barely had any friends that last semester of high school to begin with, but the few people I had left abandoned me after that. I slept all day, except to eat and go to work/school. That summer was awful, but even in my first semester of college, I didn't feel like I was doing much with my life. I think that's what makes a lot of people feel depressed. The lack of progress. I remember walking down the hallways of my grandma's apartment building (where I lived at the time) and seeing notes on people's doors. I wondered if any of those people died, how long it would be until someone noticed. I wondered, if I died, how long it would be until someone noticed. I wondered if I was already dead.
Eventually I picked up a second job. So then it was November and I was preparing for finals, working a 35/hr a week job, and an 18/hr a week job, during the holidays. I was so busy. I remember just doing homework, sleeping, eating, and working. I didn't have a single moment for myself. I ate at Jack in the Box a lot. I ate chicken flavor Cup Noodles at 2am on my night shift job. It was like this warm styrofoam cup of happiness in the midst of a cold, black, retail-y abyss. A little after Black Friday, after having two towers of boxes full of toys fall on me and having had a wooden easel dropped on the back of my head, I quit Toys R Us. I aced my finals. And I kept my job as a sample lady.
After all of that, I looked back and thought to myself, "I did it. I made it through that all on my own." I don't worry about other people so much anymore. I won't say I never worry about whether or not I'm going to stay friends with someone or what they think of me. But it's absolutely not a point of motivation for me. I create my own happiness, other people are welcome to share if they want.
Since then, I've gained a lot of confidence and done a lot of things for myself. I have the mentality now that if I want to feel like I'm doing something with my life, I have to get up and do something! Life isn't programmed. We aren't meant to follow specific rules, especially rules on how to live. I make the rules for my own life. Nothing is out of my reach if I have the drive to do it.
Which brings me to my next point.
My very best friend in the whole world. Sean.
He's been driving me crazy lately. Not that he doesn't always drive me crazy, but more so than usual.
The only thing stopping me from going totally ballistic on him is the thought that he is very possibly struggling with depression.
I do not condone his actions and I think no matter what, he's going about this the wrong way. But I can either choose to stand by my best friend of 7 years and put up with whatever bullshit he throws at me, just as he puts up with my bullshit (though, in my opinion, not nearly as much or as severe); or I can choose to walk away from someone I truly love, who could really need my help but not know how to say it.
Not long ago, he lost his close group of friends after breaking up with his girlfriend. I'm not a part of any of that and won't make a comment on whether or not he deserved it. But since then, he's been really hung up on it. He talks frequently about how he's not doing anything with his life.
Now he's shutting me out. It feels terrible, but I wonder if maybe I should just let him have his space. As much as I hate that he's treating me this way, when all I want to do is help. When he's my only friend around here, and he's putting me through exactly what he's going through without a second thought. As much as I hate that, because I hate that so much. Sean and I have been through a lot together. There's often a blurred line between us which makes it difficult when making decisions regarding the future of our friendship (or what I perceive it to be). But first and foremost he will always be my best friend. I imagine this will be nearly as formative for me as it is for him.
What really gets me is that he says he wants progress so badly and says he's lonely. But when I make suggestions about things he could change to make progress in his life, he poo poos them. Then he shuts me out, which is just the absolute worst.
I'm just holding out hope that sooner rather than later, he will see the same light I saw and cling to that comforting Cup Noodle long enough to make it through this and know that he has it in him to do anything he wants to do, if he just tries. I know it's a cliche, but it's a cliche for a good reason.
And I hope I have what it takes to stay by him during this time. I know it's selfish, but sometimes I wish he'd just cut it out.
No comments:
Post a Comment