This semester, the class didn't force me to change as much as I thought it would. And I suppose that's because I was already changing a lot. Today, right now, I'm a totally different person than I thought I would be as late as last semester. Today I took a picture of myself sitting down. Last semester I used to cover my tummy in class because I was so self conscious about it. Now I am taking pictures of myself sitting down and I can look at them without worrying and I can say, "damn! I look good!" Losing weight was a huge, constant struggle and it really helped me to feel good about myself. Largely because I can worry less about diabetes and other health issues, I look good and people like me more for it (which is kind of stupid, but whatever). I now get to complain about the store not having my size because it's too small, not too large. But also because I set a goal, A BIG GOAL, and I worked hard over a very long period of time to achieve that goal. And here I am, two months after I hit my goal and I'm still under my weight goal.
But it's not just my weight loss journey that has changed me. My relationship with Sean changed me a lot. I decided, finally, to choose myself over him. I love Sean so much and he is my best friend no matter what happens. But we want two completely different things and I can't keep trying to make that work. I need to go find someone who wants the same kind of relationship that I do. Someone who really wants me. Sean began to just... expect me. He started saying things like, "Of course you did, you always return my stuff." And I always this and always that. Like I would just ALWAYS be there no matter what he did. Sean is a good person, but he's been moving into a dark place lately. And I'm not going to let him expect me to just tolerate being treated however he wants to treat me based on things I have no control over. Hopefully someday things will get better and we can have a healthy friendship again. But for now, I'm choosing me.
I've started dating around. It's awful. I can't stand being hit on. Boys annoy and confuse me. But it's still a big step. Hopefully it will get easier, but it's something I have to do for myself. Learn to have a love life outside of Sean.
And my comic class. Damn. I didn't know how hard I could work until this semester. I didn't know I could REALLY WORK 19 HOURS STRAIGHT. I didn't know I could do that! I didn't know I could work 19 hours straight and work another 13 and a half hours the next day. But I did. I have that in me. And that impresses me. I always said I was a hard worker, but I really actually am. And I survived. It was awful but I did it. And I felt so relieved and blessed to have my finished piece in my hand. Without even missing my part time job. I feel like, with that kind of work ethic, I can make it in the world. I have renewed purpose here at this school and in my every day life.
I thank you so much for providing this class and being a wonderful professor. I'm glad I got to take Seeing Sideways.
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